CHARLOTTE, NC — Thomas Larkin, 24, is immediately regretting his decision to share recent vacation photos with friends upon realizing he forgot to delete the collection of dick pics also peppered throughout his iPhone 8. Mere seconds after Larkin handed his Apple device to the group, he remembered that among hundreds of photographs of ancient architecture, local cuisine, and regional customs, were at least a dozen high quality visuals of his genitals that he took during his 10-day excursion, all shot from different angles and depths but never actually sent to anyone. “Wait, let me see the phone again,” Larkin told his friends as he mentally sorted through a number of explanations as to why he’d take his phone back after having just handed it over. “Perhaps I’ll tell them it needed an emergency software update,” Larkin thought to himself. “iPhones are always updating randomly, right? Right?” Filtering through a number of additional backup excuses in his head just in case, Larkin’s possible rationales range from highly to preposterously fishy, including a funny idea he needed to tweet right away, forgetting to tip his Uber driver back from the airport, and ensuring his iTunes account was up to date. “I could just admit that I like to look at my own dick,” he posited before thinking no, that wouldn’t go over well.
Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.