Tag: social media

truth bomb

Truth Bomb Could Reach Mark’s Twitter Feed Within 12 Hours, Surveillance Photos Show

SPACE — Disturbing new footage taken by NASA this week appears to show a so-called “Truth Bomb” is capable of hitting Mark Fargold’s Twitter page within 12 hours. Experts reached this assessment after the Applebee’s restaurant manager launched several test tweets two days ago using phrases like “tbh” and “real talk.” Experts familiar with the images say it’s uncertain what could set this Truth Bomb in motion but that once launched, we will witness the true impact of “keeping it 100.”

“Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can really do to prepare for or even prevent something like this from happening,” said Marcy Hillman, a former NASA scientist who is familiar with the images. “We just have to hope that nothing of its sort is able to make Twitter landfall, or else the fallout could be disastrous when people find out that Mark isn’t playing around this time.”

Government officials further warned that a targeted hit could have the potential to devastate tens, if not twenties, of lives within social media range of the blast for approximately three seconds before no longer appearing in those people’s feeds anymore. After the test launch of some real fire takes, Fargold reported he has finally realized the true potential of his social media power and posts like these have experts wondering ‘“When will the big one come?”

“That’s what we’re all waiting to find out. When will our minds be blown for a matter of seconds before eventually moving onto the next thing?” Hillman said.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

angry tweeter

After Twitter Character Increase, Users Free To Share Even Longer, More Elaborate Bullshit Opinions

This article originally appeared in the Antwerp Oyster.

THE INTERNET – Four days after the deadliest mass shooting in modern U.S. history, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey said that incidents like Las Vegas are exactly why the Silicon Valley giant doubled its character limit in posts from 140 to 280. “We want users to rant even longer about their frankly irrelevant opinions following major tragedies or, you know, whatever other shit that happens in the world,” Dorsey said in an official statement. “My message to our users is to just go ahead and elaborate further on who is at fault or how our problems can be solved according to them and their braindead friends. This is all about you guys spouting your misguided self-righteousness ad fucking nauseam. We’re giving you more space, so have at it.”

Dorsey admitted that he’s keenly aware nobody on the platform actually has any tangible solutions or ideas, but that he is happy to feed users’ delusions of actually making a difference by allowing them to say twice as much bullshit that inevitably falls on deaf ears. “I’m paying attention. I see what’s going on. It’s our time to capitalize,” Dorsey said. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

The social media mogul added that the new character limit is necessary to accommodate all the shitty viewpoints out there. “Since our service has expanded to users who express hateful sentiments, are intolerant of those with alternative perspectives, peddle conspiracy theories and virtue signal, we recognize that our previous limit was just insufficient for tweeters to fully release the inconsiderate asshole within,” he continued.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.