Tag: satire

Cubs baby

Inspiring: Chicago newborn will be 107 when Cubs next win World Series

BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT

At 7:08 p.m. on Monday, August 28th, Chicago area residents Joel and Liza Greenwald welcomed their newborn son Sammy Arrieta Greenwald into the world, weighing 8 pounds, 7 ounces. Wriggling baby Sammy into his first Chicago Cubs onesie early Tuesday, dad reported that both mom and the baby are doing well. “We’re just over the moon in the love with him,” Joel said before expressing a sliver of sorrow. “It’s all very emotional… We’re so elated, yet we know that we won’t be around to see him celebrate the next Cubs World Series in 2124.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Putting out house fire

Water from Fireman’s Hose Apologizes for Committing Microaggression Against House Fire

Water that was used to douse the flames that engulfed a family home in Renton, Wash. on Friday has now issued a formal public apology after the house fire called the water’s actions a “dangerous microaggression” that could have a “lasting impact on my community.”

“While I understand that the water had good intentions, the result of last week’s events hindered me from being my truest flaming, sweltering self,” the fire said in a statement earlier today as it held back tears. “Myself and my fellow fires only pop up occasionally, and when an outside force attempts to put us out, it basically rips our livelihood and identity away from us.”

The fire further declared this phenomenon as an issue that has gone unaddressed for too long and demonstrates what is “deeply troubling about the history of the country.” Responding to the new wave of uproar, the water’s apology comes after 48 hours of backlash in the news and on social media. Offline, nearly 1,500 protestors marched in the streets of nearby Seattle on Saturday chanting “Justice for the fire” and holding signs saying “Put out a fire! You get fired!”

“It has occurred to me that what I did to that fire was morally reprehensible and does not align with the values that I hold dear and consider to be an important part of my character,” the water stated in a video published to its YouTube page today. “At the time, I was not aware that by doing my job I could actually risk losing my job. I’ll need to think more carefully the next time I take such actions.”

In an interview with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, the water also said these past several days have resulted in some serious soul searching and a re-evaluation of career choice.

“I’m now thinking of pursuing a career as a pool, or maybe a lake,” the water stated on Blitzer’s program. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Olympics and boats, neither of which I witnessed in my previous life of deeply offending fires.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Activists rebuke neo-Nazi rally, interested in their points about Jews though

As protestors clashed with white supremacists and neo-Nazis in downtown Charlottesville, Va. during Saturday’s “Unite the Right” rally, one thing became evidently clear: there is a growing contingent of Americans who aim to demonstrate that this country is not a safe harbor for hatred and bigotry.

“What the alt-right, Nazis and KKK are doing to our country is an absolute disgrace to basic American values,” said Kimberly Ashton, who drove 3 hours to protest. “We’ve taken a dark turn since the election; those who discriminate against others on the basis of race, class, gender and religion have become emboldened in their beliefs.”

While white supremacists attending the rally were met with resistance by progressive activists, many from the opposition shied away from outright condemnation of the march, arguing the importance of finding opportunities to pursue shared values.

“As we witness downright bigotry displayed toward minorities in this country, we must not forget those who face oppression abroad,” Ashton said. “For instance, Israel is committing genocide against Palestinians, so those racists do make a decent point about Jews.”

While activists such as Ashton and others repudiated the overall theme of the rally, white nationalists chanting anti-Semitic and Nazi slogans including “blood and soil” and “Jews will not replace us” weren’t enough to draw outright disapproval.

University of Virginia graduate student Peter Hanover expressed extreme contempt for the “Unite the Right” march, but stressed how intersectionality can advance social causes.

“Yes, it is true that the ideology of those marching is extremely problematic,” Hanover said. “At the same time, so is Zionism. Progressives stand united against those who seek to discriminate against any minority group, yet we cannot shy away from attempts to find common ground. At least Hitler was an environmentalist.”

Ashton and Hanover held firm to their beliefs even when recited the definition of Zionism, that is the establishment and development of a homeland for Jews, free from oppression and hatred, much like that which was demonstrated by neo-Nazis over the weekend.

While it may seem shocking that some opposed to the neo-Nazi rally could hold even remotely similar views to the marchers themselves, it has actually become more par-for-the-course in recent months. In June, Jewish lesbian marchers were kicked out of the progressive Chicago Dyke March for carrying LGBTQ pride flags stitched with the Jewish Star of David, the most recognizable Jewish symbol today.

Dyke March organizers, who tout their commitment to representing minority communities and the historically oppressed, doubled down on their decision to ask Jewish demonstrators to leave tweeting that “Zio tears replenish my electrolytes.”

By the end of the day, one more thing became evidently clear: despite having deep ideological divisions, we can always find a place of mutual agreement.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.