Tag: satire

Woman afraid of spider

Strong, Independent Woman Desperate for Someone to Come Kill this Spider

WICHITA, KS — Less than a day after taking to Instagram to tout her power as an independent female, self-proclaimed activist-influencer Alison Harmon spent over an hour and 45 minutes pacing her apartment in a deep panic over a house spider lurking on the kitchen counter. “Women are the future, and there is NOTHING we can’t do #ImStillWithHer,” the post read along with an empowering bikini photo. “Most people know me as an extremely strong and independent woman, because I regularly remind them of this fact,” Harmon said while checking her pulse on her smartwatch. “But in that moment, I just couldn’t even deal. Gross.”

After failing to reach both of her roommates multiple times by phone call and text, Harmon spent close to an hour on the phone with a 9-1-1 operator before the authorities — in the form of next-door neighbor Erik — arrived to vanquish the eight-legged creepy crawler. “I got home, and I just heard a bunch of screams,” Erik said. “I thought [Alison] was getting murdered. As it turned out, it was much, much worse. I applaud her strength during this harrowing experience.”

snacks photo

6 Subscription Snack Boxes You’ll Need in 2018

This article was originally posted in Robot Butt.

If you’re hungry AF and lazy AF, you’ve probably purchased a subscription snack box before. But let’s face it. Picking out the perfect service is no easy task, and with such a wide variety of subscription snack box options out there, choosing the right one for you can seem more overwhelming than entering a voting booth. Well, we’ve got you covered.

Here are the trendiest new subscription snack boxes of 2018:

Car Floor Trail Mix

With each box, you’ll be sent an assortment of items found on the floor of a local mom’s minivan. While it may sound odd, don’t sleep on the treasure trove that is left behind by a child’s slippery, greasy fingers. On any given week you’ll get some of the best minivan floor droppings, including loose cashews (unsalted), cracker crumbs, granola bar particles, only the red gummies, leftover chocolate stuck to the wrapper, an 18-month-old stick of gum and a ketchup packet torn open but unused. And the best part is each item will be warmed to perfection as a result of being lodged between the seats of a sun-soaked car.

Cost per box: $9.50

Whatever Grandma Sees

You’ll have more questions than answers when you purchase this assortment of snacks curated by your grandmother based on whatever she happens to come across in magazines, on deli counters or at the table while playing bridge with the gals. The contents of each delivery will depend solely on if Nana thinks you’re skinny or fat that particular week. So your delivery may include a selection of sweet treats, or strictly raw vegetables and legumes. If you love a good mystery and don’t mind a regular sense of bewilderment, this snack box is for you.

Cost per box: $7.95

Half of Susan’s Soup

For four weeks at lunch, you’ll get half of whatever soup Susan brings to the office. That’s right! Everyday she brings a big ol’ thermos full of soup and you get to have exactly half. It’s all she eats, so trust us when we say you’ll never be wondering where your next meal is coming from. As a bonus, Susan brings a fresh baguette on Fridays, and you guessed it, you can have half of that too. Bowl not included in snack box (BYOB).

Cost: $24.99 per month

One Day ‘Til Expiration

This subscription snack service will have you on the the edge of your seat every week as you receive a package of items set to expire the very next day. As a result, you’ll be encouraged (nay, forced) to use all the items within the subsequent 24 hours, lest you have to throw everything away. It’s important to look at the bright side for this one: you’ll feel like you’re on your very own episode of Top Chef every time you open your delivery. You never know what near-spoiled items you’ll get: yogurt, sour cream, bread. Just remember to EAT IT FUCKING NOW.

Cost per box: $20

Miguel’s Oranges

This snack service is great if you’re looking to get an everyday fix. Pay the monthly subscription fee, and each day on your drive to and from work, you’ll get five oranges from Miguel. You literally won’t be able to eat all those oranges, but your doctor will be thrilled. You’ll thank us later while you’re desperately searching for any way in which to use an orange. Hint: Cut them into slices and show up to a youth soccer game, even if you don’t have kids.

Cost: $18 per month

Freezer Burn Desserts

This one is for the all the calorie cutters out there who still want a glimmer of something sweet. We think this snack box will be particularly popular among celebrities looking for a dessert fix without the worry of gaining weight. Each order will include built-up freezer burn ice from all your favorite desserts. That’s right! You’ll be feasting on the tasty ice accumulated from delicious treats like chocolate ice cream, apple pie and cheesecake. As we like to say, get a taste of cake while consuming mostly water!

Cost per box: $8.99

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

blackened banana

Blackened Banana In Freezer Doubts It’ll Ever Be Used To Make Bread

This article originally appeared in Robot Butt.

Des Moines, IA — Three months after being relegated to the freezer because it wasn’t consumed fast enough, a now rock hard banana is beginning to fear that it may never be used to make banana bread, sources are reporting. The overripe banana, which was placed in the freezer door’s top shelf this summer, believes it has been forgotten and as a result won’t be a part of any sort of recipe any time soon, as it had previously thought.

Sources close to the tropical fruit say it had been holding onto hope, even two months since being assigned to the coldest part of the house. But given the long lapse in time, it no longer harbors much optimism, recently stating that at this point it would even settle for being part of an ice cream split, if that’s what it takes. While the banana’s faith in its ability to become an office break room treat continues to dwindle, it does cling to the remote possibility that one day the door will open and it will be called upon.

The freezer door swings open right before midnight. Nope, not this time either. A line is etched on the freezer door, marking Day 92.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

man texting black and white

Local Guy An Utter Wreck After Realizing He Never Responded To Friend’s Text From 10 Days Ago

NEW HAVEN, CT — Brett Mulholland is on pins and needles today after realizing he forgot to respond to his friend Sam Winer’s “What’s up?” text from over a week ago. “I saw the message and wanted to respond right away,” an exasperated Mulholland said, “but I was cooking a roasted red pepper penne at the time and couldn’t divert my attention.”

Receiving the text just as the pasta was boiling over, Mulholland said he put his phone down with the intention of writing back after he finished dining. “Next thing I know, it’s over a week later, I’m scrolling through my messages and see it’s been 10 days and I never responded. I’ve probably lost a long-time friend over this! The penne kicked ass though.”

Mulholland said the dish would’ve been overcooked if he’d texted back at that exact moment, but still expressed panic and angst about how to respond after more than a week without any awkwardness. Not every excuse is equally sufficient, Mulholland pines.

“How do I plan to respond? I really have no idea!” the outwardly perturbed Mulholland said as a single bead of sweat descended from his right temple down the side of his face, his hands becoming ever more clammy. “I can’t just say ‘I’ve been busy’ or something like that. I literally tweeted ‘Netflix and chill’ the past six nights in a row.”

Ruminating furiously over his response options while taking excruciatingly long breaths, Mulholland narrowed it down to “New number, who dis?” “Sry, trbl service, just got ur text,” and “Work’s been cray cray” but isn’t sure Sam will buy any of those excuses.

“I just hope he’s okay,” Winer said when reached for comment. “Whenever he’s free, I’m looking forward to catching up.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

work meeting

Coworker Bitching About Ridiculously Long Meetings Almost Always The One Extending Them With Dumb Chitchat, Study Shows

A three-year study on corporate work culture conducted by social psychologists at the University of Phoenix has revealed startling figures about meetings in an office environment. The results of the research project, unveiled way too goddamn early on Monday morning, suggest that individuals in the workplace who complain the most about meetings that run too long are actually 25 times more likely to be the reason why we didn’t get our full fucking lunch break, Todd.

“I think the results are highly conclusive,” said Alison Whittaker, lead researcher on the study. “Our extensive polling shows that when it comes to office meetings, that person who must recap their weekend trip upstate or tell a dumb-as-shit joke is almost always the one expressing sentiments such as ‘Could this meeting go any longer?” while hinting it should be over by opening and closing their notebook at disturbingly regular intervals.”

The study also estimates that this type of utter bullshit accounts for over 15,000 hours of lost productivity per year. “We found that the Overshare Oscars and the You Won’t Believe Dis Yolandas of the corporate world are most often the ones who never shut up about why meetings should be brief,” Whittaker added. “What we can ultimately learn from this, as the research shows, is that in all likelihood, 93% of all meetings never even needed to occur at all. They’re all mostly useless.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Father/Grandfather fight

Witnessing Father And Grandfather’s Verbal Brawl, Son Vows He Won’t Act That Way When He’s Older

JACKSONVILLE, FL — While watching his dad and grandfather argue for over an hour about “the correct way to load a dishwasher,” 24-year-old Miami resident Mitchell Haverman made a solemn promise that he’ll never allow himself to act that way when he gets to their age.

The confrontation started shortly after dinner last Sunday when Haverman’s grandfather, known affectionately as “Pepaw,” made a pointed comment about how Gerald, Mitchell’s father, inserted dirty plates into the 3-week-old Kenmore Elite 14793. “This machine is one of the leading dishwasher brands on the market!” Pepaw shouted. “You have to put the dishes in horizontally, or the whole thing could break and leak all over the linoleum. Here, let me show you.”

Reports out of the kitchen reveal that Gerald then responded with a subtle quip about how dish direction has virtually no impact on the performance of the product. This is when things got out of hand. “I heard a loud shout, something like ‘What was that you said boy?’ and then all hell broke loose,” Haverman said. “They exchanged heated words for what had to be over an hour. I don’t know how long it lasted exactly. All I know is when they started jawing, it was the 2nd inning of the Yankees game I was watching and they didn’t stop squabbling until the 7th inning stretch.”

Attempting to break up the fight by offering at least a dozen “audible sighs and coughs,” Haverman’s failure to upend the confrontation caused him to make a solemn pledge that he would never act like any of the other men in his family, despite sharing their deeply ingrained genetic code.

“I really think I can break the streak of generations of Haverman men before me,” Mitchell said, exasperated from the verbal brawl. “I’m going to be different, I know it.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

angry tweeter

After Twitter Character Increase, Users Free To Share Even Longer, More Elaborate Bullshit Opinions

This article originally appeared in the Antwerp Oyster.

THE INTERNET – Four days after the deadliest mass shooting in modern U.S. history, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey said that incidents like Las Vegas are exactly why the Silicon Valley giant doubled its character limit in posts from 140 to 280. “We want users to rant even longer about their frankly irrelevant opinions following major tragedies or, you know, whatever other shit that happens in the world,” Dorsey said in an official statement. “My message to our users is to just go ahead and elaborate further on who is at fault or how our problems can be solved according to them and their braindead friends. This is all about you guys spouting your misguided self-righteousness ad fucking nauseam. We’re giving you more space, so have at it.”

Dorsey admitted that he’s keenly aware nobody on the platform actually has any tangible solutions or ideas, but that he is happy to feed users’ delusions of actually making a difference by allowing them to say twice as much bullshit that inevitably falls on deaf ears. “I’m paying attention. I see what’s going on. It’s our time to capitalize,” Dorsey said. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

The social media mogul added that the new character limit is necessary to accommodate all the shitty viewpoints out there. “Since our service has expanded to users who express hateful sentiments, are intolerant of those with alternative perspectives, peddle conspiracy theories and virtue signal, we recognize that our previous limit was just insufficient for tweeters to fully release the inconsiderate asshole within,” he continued.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Rosh Hashanah Dinner

Even After Grabbing Seconds at Holiday Dinner, Jewish Man’s Family Still Convinced He’s Anorexic

Yesterday evening, Mikey Aaronson, 29, wasn’t seated at his family’s Rosh Hashanah dinner more than 10 minutes before the regular ambush of comments from family members about his slender build started to fly across the table like the locusts of the ten plagues of Egypt.

“Oy vey! You’re so skinny, do you even eat?!” Aunt Barb remarked with overcooked kugel hanging from her lower lip.

“Bubala, you look so unhealthy,” interjected grandpa Solly. “Go ahead, grab a nosh. You must put something in your kishka.”

Every year as members of the Jewish faith mark the beginning of the Jewish New Year, Aaronson travels from his current residence in Austin, Tex. to his family’s home just outside Chicago just to be reminded of how he doesn’t consume nearly enough calories to stay alive.

“It was funny when I was a kid, but it’s gotten a little old,” said Aaronson of the 15 years in a row his family has feared for his safety due to his tall, slight frame. “I actually love to eat. I eat three meals a day, exercise fairly regularly, and don’t drink all that much alcohol. I’m really the healthiest I’ve been in quite some time.”

The not-so-subtle comments didn’t conclude, even upon witnessing Aaronson’s empty plate.

“Bobbymyseh!” shouted second cousin Ari. “Don’t be a schmuck and grab another plate. You look frightening. Feh!”

As Aaronson made his way into his seconds of brisket, bourekas and shakshuka, the table grew silent for nearly a minute before his bubba said, “Look, at least he’s trying.”

After attention focused away from Aaronson, family members quickly began to tease Uncle Larry for eating entirely too much.

“You’re such a schlump,” said grandpa Solly. “Could you not be a khazer for just one day?”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Protest kicking statues

Protesters Demand Future Monuments Be Constructed Out Of Softer Materials To Avoid Injuries When Kicked

This article originally appeared in The Antwerp Oyster.

WASHINGTON D.C. – An online petition calling for constructing all future statues and monuments in the U.S. out of a more malleable material has gone viral after it garnered half a million signatures in four days. In a statement made on Change.org, the petition’s organizers Zarhia Pewter and Joni Keef expressed the urgent need for local municipalities to build statues out of material that “when kicked or punched to bits” won’t actually injure its self-righteous assailants. “I was actually in Durham [North Carolina — Ed.] at the time and witnessed how those people bravely ganged up on the statue honoring the Confederate soldiers who cowardly perished for their backward beliefs like way back and stuff. It totally broke my heart to see some of them in need of treatment for broken toes, feet and the odd ukulele,” said Pewter.

While Pewter and Keef acknowledged the variety of potential complications that could arise from having essentially ‘softer’ statues, such as a higher likelihood of falling over naturally or being subject to extreme weather, both campaigners maintain local councils should still prioritize the wellbeing of their iconoclastic citizens. “It’s crucial that if we discover at a later point that our nation’s statues and monuments are racist, bigoted or just embarrassingly outdated in any way, brave activists on the front line should be able to kick the shit out of public property, while comfortably sipping their lattes or mochaccinos and not worrying about any nasty bruises,” Keef added. “It’s precisely that freedom to be a total, self-centered, wishy-washy PC jackass that our forefathers died fighting for.” Supportive messages for the petition have poured in over the past few days, as well as suggestions for how future monuments could be built including plush, bean bag beans and hair weaves.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Running to toliet

In Act Of Bravery, Local Man Poops Without His Phone

PHOENIX, AZ — A 29-year-old corporate account manager is receiving high praise from friends and colleagues after he recently went No. 2 and didn’t bring his phone to the bathroom.

“It all happened so fast,” said Neil Farmar, the courageous man who pooped without the itch to check Instagram or send a tweet. “Honestly, I hardly even remember the incident. It’s just a blur, but I’m glad I was able to act on time.”

While the details are fuzzy, Farmar recalls that he was sitting at this desk at 10:11 a.m. on Wednesday morning when the need to shit suddenly hit him. With his phone charging at 13%, he acted on instinct and immediately darted for the bathroom. According to Farmar, 37 minutes later when he emerged from the restroom, his co-workers were there to congratulate him on his feat.

“It was a real emergency,” Farmar contemplated. “In reality, I was worried I wouldn’t make it in time and that I’d be remembered at the office for something far worse. I’m really living this moment up right now. I feel truly #blessed.”

Farmar said that he hopes younger generations can learn something from his example and that he is currently scheduling a lecture series for those who want to learn more about how to crap without checking email, catching up on sports scores, or ordering a delivery pizza.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.