This article originally appeared in The Antwerp Oyster.
BLOOMINGTON, MN — Recent uproar surrounding the American flag and whether or not it’s disrespectful to kneel during the National Anthem has caused each member of the Thompson clan to meticulously prepare their respective viewpoints in case debate breaks out during today’s football games. So far, Neil (23), Regina (27) and Eric (29) have each carefully outlined points on their phone’s Notes app, while Drew (47) and Victoria (42) have jotted their own ideas on a legal pad. Other major pillars of the family plan to just wing it. “I just think it’s un-American to sit or kneel during the Anthem no matter what,” said Joseph (59), patriarch of the family. “The players are highlighting important issues, but the gridiron is no place for that. Just tackle the shit out of each other, and protest on your own time. Go Cowboys!” While Danica (14) doesn’t fully understand the varying viewpoints held by Americans, she has some idea how she might chime in based on ideas her friends have expressed on social media. “Michael in my social studies class is always posting articles from Vox, Mother Jones and the Daily Mail, and he has the highest GPA in our grade,” she said. Sarah (54), wife of Joseph and family matriarch, hopes the household avoids any discussion altogether, but is suitably prepared to cut down anyone whose opinions don’t fully match hers. “I hope we can remain civil and just enjoy each other’s company,” she stated. “At the same time, I’ll never stand for the National Anthem again and fuck anyone who does.”
Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.