PORTLAND, OR — Jameson Blanchard doesn’t know what to do with his hands, or his face, shoulders and legs for that matter. According to sources, Blanchard smoked marijuana roughly twenty minutes ago and at the current moment earnestly believes that he’s acting extremely weird in front a group of friends seated around the living room. The 25-year-old didn’t appear to be particularly affected by the weed at first, but several minutes after taking a bong hit he began asking everyone in the room if he was causing a disturbance.
Though the group repeatedly reassured Blanchard that he was only guilty of sitting extremely still, staring straight ahead and counting down methodically from 100, he continued to insist that he was making a grand old scene. “I’m so sorry,” he told the group. “I don’t mean to act this crazy. I’m trying my best to calm down and just act normal.” His friends glanced at each other, shrugged their shoulders and resumed conversations about what to name their new punk band. “What?! What did I do now?” Blanchard asked. “Wait. Now that would be a cool band name.”