TAMPA, FL — Twenty-three year-old IT specialist Nathan Bauer’s recent purchase of a shirt designed for fathers to wear their baby would sound normal except for one thing. Bauer doesn’t have any kids. In fact, he’s not married, nor is he even in a relationship. Bauer actually purchased the Lalabu shirt, which sports a built-in pouch specially designed to fit an infant, so he could store his snacks and avoid having to get off the couch during excessively long periods of playing video games and watching anime cartoons. “If we’re being honest, I was just so exhausted having to make the 20-foot trek to the kitchen every time I got a craving for more grub,” Bauer said. “Luckily, with the Lalabu, I can pile all my sugar and salt-laced snacks into my pouch and plant myself in front of the television for hours without even needing to stand up. My record is 19 hours straight.” Bauer said that while the shirt has perfectly functioned to exacerbate his laziness, it’s difficult not to become a little emotional while wearing the garment. “I’m fully aware that it’s not like having an actual child,” he said. “But when I’m wearing the shirt, I feel a strong connection with my snacks. I named it Nabisco. He’s only two months old, but I can already see the resemblance.”
Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.