PITTSBURGH, PA — Ever since Susan Holmes began working at The Brighton Group last May, she’s made a daily habit of over enthusiastically asking every one of her colleagues what they brought for lunch. More than a year later, Holmes’ coworkers have had enough of her bothersome and exaggerated routine. “Every goddamn day, it’s the same question from Suz!” said Michael Fastbender, who shares a cubicle wall with Holmes. “‘Ooooo, what did you bring today?!’ or ‘Did YOU make that all by yourself?’ What the shit?! It’s a Swanson’s frozen meal. Read the damn package, lady!” According to sources inside the company, Holmes becomes even more obnoxious when lunch is brought back from an outside establishment. “I’ve adjusted my entire midday schedule just so I don’t run into her when I return with my food,” said Marnie Dietrich, who doesn’t work directly with Holmes but still feels the bloody wrath of her incessant pestering. “Every once in awhile though she’ll spot me and then there goes my fucking lunch break! ‘Oooo, that looks interesting! What did you get?’ she’ll ask. It’s so irritating! The bag I’m carrying has the word Chipotle. I saw her eating there last week.” Despite being utterly baffled and disturbed by Holmes’ unrelenting fascination with what everyone is eating for lunch, her colleagues don’t have the heart to tell her about her obnoxious questioning. “We don’t want it to get awkward around here,” Fastbender said. “We’ll just continue to harbor these bitter feelings toward Susan until one day it boils over. I wonder who’s going to be the first to snap.”
Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.