Tag: iPhone

dick pic regret

Area Man Seeks Any Plausible Excuse For Taking Phone Back From Friends After Remembering All The Dick Pics

CHARLOTTE, NC — Thomas Larkin, 24, is immediately regretting his decision to share recent vacation photos with friends upon realizing he forgot to delete the collection of dick pics also peppered throughout his iPhone 8. Mere seconds after Larkin handed his Apple device to the group, he remembered that among hundreds of photographs of ancient architecture, local cuisine, and regional customs, were at least a dozen high quality visuals of his genitals that he took during his 10-day excursion, all shot from different angles and depths but never actually sent to anyone. “Wait, let me see the phone again,” Larkin told his friends as he mentally sorted through a number of explanations as to why he’d take his phone back after having just handed it over. “Perhaps I’ll tell them it needed an emergency software update,” Larkin thought to himself. “iPhones are always updating randomly, right? Right?” Filtering through a number of additional backup excuses in his head just in case, Larkin’s possible rationales range from highly to preposterously fishy, including a funny idea he needed to tweet right away, forgetting to tip his Uber driver back from the airport, and ensuring his iTunes account was up to date. “I could just admit that I like to look at my own dick,” he posited before thinking no, that wouldn’t go over well.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

man texting black and white

Local Guy An Utter Wreck After Realizing He Never Responded To Friend’s Text From 10 Days Ago

NEW HAVEN, CT — Brett Mulholland is on pins and needles today after realizing he forgot to respond to his friend Sam Winer’s “What’s up?” text from over a week ago. “I saw the message and wanted to respond right away,” an exasperated Mulholland said, “but I was cooking a roasted red pepper penne at the time and couldn’t divert my attention.”

Receiving the text just as the pasta was boiling over, Mulholland said he put his phone down with the intention of writing back after he finished dining. “Next thing I know, it’s over a week later, I’m scrolling through my messages and see it’s been 10 days and I never responded. I’ve probably lost a long-time friend over this! The penne kicked ass though.”

Mulholland said the dish would’ve been overcooked if he’d texted back at that exact moment, but still expressed panic and angst about how to respond after more than a week without any awkwardness. Not every excuse is equally sufficient, Mulholland pines.

“How do I plan to respond? I really have no idea!” the outwardly perturbed Mulholland said as a single bead of sweat descended from his right temple down the side of his face, his hands becoming ever more clammy. “I can’t just say ‘I’ve been busy’ or something like that. I literally tweeted ‘Netflix and chill’ the past six nights in a row.”

Ruminating furiously over his response options while taking excruciatingly long breaths, Mulholland narrowed it down to “New number, who dis?” “Sry, trbl service, just got ur text,” and “Work’s been cray cray” but isn’t sure Sam will buy any of those excuses.

“I just hope he’s okay,” Winer said when reached for comment. “Whenever he’s free, I’m looking forward to catching up.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.