JACKSONVILLE, FL — While watching his dad and grandfather argue for over an hour about “the correct way to load a dishwasher,” 24-year-old Miami resident Mitchell Haverman made a solemn promise that he’ll never allow himself to act that way when he gets to their age.
The confrontation started shortly after dinner last Sunday when Haverman’s grandfather, known affectionately as “Pepaw,” made a pointed comment about how Gerald, Mitchell’s father, inserted dirty plates into the 3-week-old Kenmore Elite 14793. “This machine is one of the leading dishwasher brands on the market!” Pepaw shouted. “You have to put the dishes in horizontally, or the whole thing could break and leak all over the linoleum. Here, let me show you.”
Reports out of the kitchen reveal that Gerald then responded with a subtle quip about how dish direction has virtually no impact on the performance of the product. This is when things got out of hand. “I heard a loud shout, something like ‘What was that you said boy?’ and then all hell broke loose,” Haverman said. “They exchanged heated words for what had to be over an hour. I don’t know how long it lasted exactly. All I know is when they started jawing, it was the 2nd inning of the Yankees game I was watching and they didn’t stop squabbling until the 7th inning stretch.”
Attempting to break up the fight by offering at least a dozen “audible sighs and coughs,” Haverman’s failure to upend the confrontation caused him to make a solemn pledge that he would never act like any of the other men in his family, despite sharing their deeply ingrained genetic code.
“I really think I can break the streak of generations of Haverman men before me,” Mitchell said, exasperated from the verbal brawl. “I’m going to be different, I know it.”
Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.