Tag: food

snacks photo

6 Subscription Snack Boxes You’ll Need in 2018

This article was originally posted in Robot Butt.

If you’re hungry AF and lazy AF, you’ve probably purchased a subscription snack box before. But let’s face it. Picking out the perfect service is no easy task, and with such a wide variety of subscription snack box options out there, choosing the right one for you can seem more overwhelming than entering a voting booth. Well, we’ve got you covered.

Here are the trendiest new subscription snack boxes of 2018:

Car Floor Trail Mix

With each box, you’ll be sent an assortment of items found on the floor of a local mom’s minivan. While it may sound odd, don’t sleep on the treasure trove that is left behind by a child’s slippery, greasy fingers. On any given week you’ll get some of the best minivan floor droppings, including loose cashews (unsalted), cracker crumbs, granola bar particles, only the red gummies, leftover chocolate stuck to the wrapper, an 18-month-old stick of gum and a ketchup packet torn open but unused. And the best part is each item will be warmed to perfection as a result of being lodged between the seats of a sun-soaked car.

Cost per box: $9.50

Whatever Grandma Sees

You’ll have more questions than answers when you purchase this assortment of snacks curated by your grandmother based on whatever she happens to come across in magazines, on deli counters or at the table while playing bridge with the gals. The contents of each delivery will depend solely on if Nana thinks you’re skinny or fat that particular week. So your delivery may include a selection of sweet treats, or strictly raw vegetables and legumes. If you love a good mystery and don’t mind a regular sense of bewilderment, this snack box is for you.

Cost per box: $7.95

Half of Susan’s Soup

For four weeks at lunch, you’ll get half of whatever soup Susan brings to the office. That’s right! Everyday she brings a big ol’ thermos full of soup and you get to have exactly half. It’s all she eats, so trust us when we say you’ll never be wondering where your next meal is coming from. As a bonus, Susan brings a fresh baguette on Fridays, and you guessed it, you can have half of that too. Bowl not included in snack box (BYOB).

Cost: $24.99 per month

One Day ‘Til Expiration

This subscription snack service will have you on the the edge of your seat every week as you receive a package of items set to expire the very next day. As a result, you’ll be encouraged (nay, forced) to use all the items within the subsequent 24 hours, lest you have to throw everything away. It’s important to look at the bright side for this one: you’ll feel like you’re on your very own episode of Top Chef every time you open your delivery. You never know what near-spoiled items you’ll get: yogurt, sour cream, bread. Just remember to EAT IT FUCKING NOW.

Cost per box: $20

Miguel’s Oranges

This snack service is great if you’re looking to get an everyday fix. Pay the monthly subscription fee, and each day on your drive to and from work, you’ll get five oranges from Miguel. You literally won’t be able to eat all those oranges, but your doctor will be thrilled. You’ll thank us later while you’re desperately searching for any way in which to use an orange. Hint: Cut them into slices and show up to a youth soccer game, even if you don’t have kids.

Cost: $18 per month

Freezer Burn Desserts

This one is for the all the calorie cutters out there who still want a glimmer of something sweet. We think this snack box will be particularly popular among celebrities looking for a dessert fix without the worry of gaining weight. Each order will include built-up freezer burn ice from all your favorite desserts. That’s right! You’ll be feasting on the tasty ice accumulated from delicious treats like chocolate ice cream, apple pie and cheesecake. As we like to say, get a taste of cake while consuming mostly water!

Cost per box: $8.99

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

blackened banana

Blackened Banana In Freezer Doubts It’ll Ever Be Used To Make Bread

This article originally appeared in Robot Butt.

Des Moines, IA — Three months after being relegated to the freezer because it wasn’t consumed fast enough, a now rock hard banana is beginning to fear that it may never be used to make banana bread, sources are reporting. The overripe banana, which was placed in the freezer door’s top shelf this summer, believes it has been forgotten and as a result won’t be a part of any sort of recipe any time soon, as it had previously thought.

Sources close to the tropical fruit say it had been holding onto hope, even two months since being assigned to the coldest part of the house. But given the long lapse in time, it no longer harbors much optimism, recently stating that at this point it would even settle for being part of an ice cream split, if that’s what it takes. While the banana’s faith in its ability to become an office break room treat continues to dwindle, it does cling to the remote possibility that one day the door will open and it will be called upon.

The freezer door swings open right before midnight. Nope, not this time either. A line is etched on the freezer door, marking Day 92.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

snack pouch guy

Childless Man Buys ‘Daddy Baby Bjorn’ For His Snacks

TAMPA, FL — Twenty-three year-old IT specialist Nathan Bauer’s recent purchase of a shirt designed for fathers to wear their baby would sound normal except for one thing. Bauer doesn’t have any kids. In fact, he’s not married, nor is he even in a relationship. Bauer actually purchased the Lalabu shirt, which sports a built-in pouch specially designed to fit an infant, so he could store his snacks and avoid having to get off the couch during excessively long periods of playing video games and watching anime cartoons. “If we’re being honest, I was just so exhausted having to make the 20-foot trek to the kitchen every time I got a craving for more grub,” Bauer said. “Luckily, with the Lalabu, I can pile all my sugar and salt-laced snacks into my pouch and plant myself in front of the television for hours without even needing to stand up. My record is 19 hours straight.” Bauer said that while the shirt has perfectly functioned to exacerbate his laziness, it’s difficult not to become a little emotional while wearing the garment. “I’m fully aware that it’s not like having an actual child,” he said. “But when I’m wearing the shirt, I feel a strong connection with my snacks. I named it Nabisco. He’s only two months old, but I can already see the resemblance.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.