Growing up on a farm in Iowa, I spent much of my childhood tending to our family’s livestock and picking fresh produce from the grounds. The nine of us (mom, dad, three sisters and three brothers) lived almost entirely off what we grew and cultivated ourselves.

My favorite activity as a youngin’ was going out to the coop on Sundays to collect all the eggs laid by our chickens during the previous week. Eggs are actually one of my favorite foods. It’s a good source of protein and I eat eggs in every style. Well, except deviled eggs because frankly… they remind me of Satan.

I particularly enjoy fried eggs because I like breaking the yoke on the plate I created in my pottery class and using bread to soak up the tasty goo. Fried eggs also go well on top of pasta and burgers. One time though I was at a cookout and someone brought deviled eggs. I couldn’t bring myself to even look at them. Just the ingredients alone make me think of evil and temptation. Mayo is the lubricant the devil uses to screw people for eternity. The thought of mustard brings to mind the ooze that seeps from your pores in the fiery depths of Hell. When I look at the cayenne pepper, I can’t help but be reminded of those crimson horns protruding from Satan’s skull.

When I was in my early 20s, I really bulked up by combining regular workouts with a large intake of protein. Much like sports hero Rocky Balboa, I was even known to chug back raw eggs after an intense gym session. My friends used to call me “Raw Eggs Randy.” My name is Tim. My friends like alliteration. I never cared for it.  When I finished my first triathlon, I invited all of my friends over for a potluck, and Geraldina brought her (in)famous deviled eggs. I almost vomited thinking about the texture and how Jesus died for our sins.

I also love eggs scrambled, hardboiled, over easy, over medium, Benedict, poached, omelette, and Uterine.

— Tim the Christian