Thanksgiving talking points

Ahead Of Thanksgiving Gathering, Family Members Ready Their Talking Points Should “Standing vs. Kneeling” Debate Arise During Day’s NFL Games

This article originally appeared in The Antwerp Oyster.

BLOOMINGTON, MN — Recent uproar surrounding the American flag and whether or not it’s disrespectful to kneel during the National Anthem has caused each member of the Thompson clan to meticulously prepare their respective viewpoints in case debate breaks out during today’s football games. So far, Neil (23), Regina (27) and Eric (29) have each carefully outlined points on their phone’s Notes app, while Drew (47) and Victoria (42) have jotted their own ideas on a legal pad. Other major pillars of the family plan to just wing it. “I just think it’s un-American to sit or kneel during the Anthem no matter what,” said Joseph (59), patriarch of the family. “The players are highlighting important issues, but the gridiron is no place for that. Just tackle the shit out of each other, and protest on your own time. Go Cowboys!” While Danica (14) doesn’t fully understand the varying viewpoints held by Americans, she has some idea how she might chime in based on ideas her friends have expressed on social media. “Michael in my social studies class is always posting articles from Vox, Mother Jones and the Daily Mail, and he has the highest GPA in our grade,” she said. Sarah (54), wife of Joseph and family matriarch, hopes the household avoids any discussion altogether, but is suitably prepared to cut down anyone whose opinions don’t fully match hers. “I hope we can remain civil and just enjoy each other’s company,” she stated. “At the same time, I’ll never stand for the National Anthem again and fuck anyone who does.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

dick pic regret

Area Man Seeks Any Plausible Excuse For Taking Phone Back From Friends After Remembering All The Dick Pics

CHARLOTTE, NC — Thomas Larkin, 24, is immediately regretting his decision to share recent vacation photos with friends upon realizing he forgot to delete the collection of dick pics also peppered throughout his iPhone 8. Mere seconds after Larkin handed his Apple device to the group, he remembered that among hundreds of photographs of ancient architecture, local cuisine, and regional customs, were at least a dozen high quality visuals of his genitals that he took during his 10-day excursion, all shot from different angles and depths but never actually sent to anyone. “Wait, let me see the phone again,” Larkin told his friends as he mentally sorted through a number of explanations as to why he’d take his phone back after having just handed it over. “Perhaps I’ll tell them it needed an emergency software update,” Larkin thought to himself. “iPhones are always updating randomly, right? Right?” Filtering through a number of additional backup excuses in his head just in case, Larkin’s possible rationales range from highly to preposterously fishy, including a funny idea he needed to tweet right away, forgetting to tip his Uber driver back from the airport, and ensuring his iTunes account was up to date. “I could just admit that I like to look at my own dick,” he posited before thinking no, that wouldn’t go over well.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

online donations

After Donating To Every Friend And Acquaintance Facing Hard Times, Man Crowdfunds To Avoid Bankruptcy

NEWPORT, RHODE ISLAND — A man who’s been called “the nicest guy you’ll meet this fiscal year” is currently in serious financial trouble after donating small amounts of money to  hundreds of people in his social media network dealing with personal tragedies, financial mishaps, mental breakdowns or just general difficult circumstances of some kind or another. Now that man, 27-year-old Zac Gallagher, has been forced to launch his own crowdfunding campaign to avoid homelessness and financial obsoletism. “I’m not a wealthy guy, but I’ve always had the means to support myself,” Gallagher said as he reviewed his crowdfunding profile surrounded by stacks of unpaid bills marked DELINQUENT. “As a result, I’ve always made it a priority to help others when they’re need.” Gallagher stated that he was personally moved after reading one heartbreaking account after another from people he knows, people who know people he knows, or people who at one point or another met someone he knows, all of which compelled him to offer anything he could. Nearly 450 donations later, Gallagher finds himself 8 days away from officially losing everything and hopes he can raise $10,000 to get back on his feet. “I know times are hard for people right now, so I can’t expect everyone to give,” Gallagher said. “I hope people can help, but there’s so much you can ask. Oh look, my cousin’s friend from high school had her backpack stolen. I can give her a few bucks.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

man texting black and white

Local Guy An Utter Wreck After Realizing He Never Responded To Friend’s Text From 10 Days Ago

NEW HAVEN, CT — Brett Mulholland is on pins and needles today after realizing he forgot to respond to his friend Sam Winer’s “What’s up?” text from over a week ago. “I saw the message and wanted to respond right away,” an exasperated Mulholland said, “but I was cooking a roasted red pepper penne at the time and couldn’t divert my attention.”

Receiving the text just as the pasta was boiling over, Mulholland said he put his phone down with the intention of writing back after he finished dining. “Next thing I know, it’s over a week later, I’m scrolling through my messages and see it’s been 10 days and I never responded. I’ve probably lost a long-time friend over this! The penne kicked ass though.”

Mulholland said the dish would’ve been overcooked if he’d texted back at that exact moment, but still expressed panic and angst about how to respond after more than a week without any awkwardness. Not every excuse is equally sufficient, Mulholland pines.

“How do I plan to respond? I really have no idea!” the outwardly perturbed Mulholland said as a single bead of sweat descended from his right temple down the side of his face, his hands becoming ever more clammy. “I can’t just say ‘I’ve been busy’ or something like that. I literally tweeted ‘Netflix and chill’ the past six nights in a row.”

Ruminating furiously over his response options while taking excruciatingly long breaths, Mulholland narrowed it down to “New number, who dis?” “Sry, trbl service, just got ur text,” and “Work’s been cray cray” but isn’t sure Sam will buy any of those excuses.

“I just hope he’s okay,” Winer said when reached for comment. “Whenever he’s free, I’m looking forward to catching up.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

coworker lunch

Coworkers Fed Up With Susan Always Asking What Everyone Brought For Lunch

PITTSBURGH, PA — Ever since Susan Holmes began working at The Brighton Group last May, she’s made a daily habit of over enthusiastically asking every one of her colleagues what they brought for lunch. More than a year later, Holmes’ coworkers have had enough of her bothersome and exaggerated routine. “Every goddamn day, it’s the same question from Suz!” said Michael Fastbender, who shares a cubicle wall with Holmes. “‘Ooooo, what did you bring today?!’ or ‘Did YOU make that all by yourself?’ What the shit?! It’s a Swanson’s frozen meal. Read the damn package, lady!” According to sources inside the company, Holmes becomes even more obnoxious when lunch is brought back from an outside establishment. “I’ve adjusted my entire midday schedule just so I don’t run into her when I return with my food,” said Marnie Dietrich, who doesn’t work directly with Holmes but still feels the bloody wrath of her incessant pestering. “Every once in awhile though she’ll spot me and then there goes my fucking lunch break! ‘Oooo, that looks interesting! What did you get?’ she’ll ask. It’s so irritating! The bag I’m carrying has the word Chipotle. I saw her eating there last week.” Despite being utterly baffled and disturbed by Holmes’ unrelenting fascination with what everyone is eating for lunch, her colleagues don’t have the heart to tell her about her obnoxious questioning. “We don’t want it to get awkward around here,” Fastbender said. “We’ll just continue to harbor these bitter feelings toward Susan until one day it boils over. I wonder who’s going to be the first to snap.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

plane flying

Man Has The Balls To Wait Until Mid Flight To Suffer Life-Threatening Incident

TULSA, OKLAHOMA — A commercial aircraft was forced to make an emergency landing at Tulsa International Airport after an older male passenger fell dangerously ill mere minutes after departing from Dallas en route to Detroit. Reports aboard the United 737, currently at its arrival gate waiting for clearance to take off again, are that all 132 remaining passengers are completely ticked off that their travel plans went awry because some dude decided today was the day to have a heart attack on a flight midair. “Really, now you have a heart attack, you son of a bitch?!” said Graham Lunther in 22B. “He couldn’t possibly have waited until we landed, or kicked the bucket in the terminal before takeoff? I’m going to miss my connection to Montreal because of that dickhead.” Other passengers mixed their frustration with slight empathy for the poor, potentially dying human man previously in their company. “Yeah, it’s super sad and all, but I need to be in Detroit by noon,” said Katrina Roberson in 13C. “I have a scheduled tour at the Henry Ford Museum and if I miss learning about the history of America’s first major automobile manufacturer because of that asshat, I’ll literally go berzerk. I’m not taking a trip to the Motor City for fucking nothing.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

sober karaoke

Sober Man Booted From Karaoke Night For Being A Hazard To Everyone’s Good Times

AUBURN HILLS, MICHIGAN — A bar patron was ejected from a local karaoke night on Wednesday after management deemed the man wasn’t remotely drunk enough to engage in the joyous revelry of singing classic song covers off key. Twenty-nine year-old Jared Kopft, on the second day of his antibiotics, knew he couldn’t drink and offered to be his friend’s designated driver. “Of course, it would have been more fun if I was drinking,” Kopft said, “but I tried to make the best of the situation. All I wanted to do was to crush some Bon Jovi, maybe even some J.T.” Bar Manager Gino Tagatali claimed he didn’t want to kick Kopft out, but was forced to consider how being around someone with absolutely no liquor running through their bloodstream could put a damper on his patrons’ wildly unsuccessful attempts to hit a single note from any song. “Look at this place,” Tagatali said. “You have people who are falling over, they’re acting rude, and have absolutely no pitch. This just isn’t the place for the antics of a sober person. We’re at fucking karaoke for Christ’s sake!”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

man traffic jam

Man Laying On Car Horn Livid That Nobody’s Moving

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS  — Aggressively pumping his car horn in dead stop traffic for the past 14 straight minutes, 42-year-old parole officer Vinny Nealson remains utterly shellshocked that he hasn’t moved a single inch toward the upcoming intersection’s unprotected left turn. “Do these friggin’ clowns not understand what the goddamn horn means?” Nealson rhetorically asked while fidgeting wildly in his seat. “I know it jams up here sometimes. But, that’s what this thing is for! If I’m honking, that’s the sign it’s time for these hooligans to get their asses moving.” Maintaining the continuous harmony of his Nissan’s shrieking honk, Nealson’s supreme irritation at the uncontrollable situation resulted in him loudly yelling obscenities at the roughly two dozen other drivers ahead of him attempting to make the same turn onto one of the busiest streets in the Southside of Chicago. “I’m not sure what those jabronis are doing up there,” he said. “I don’t give a shit if there are oncoming cars. Just turn you asshats! Some of us have places to be and lives to ruin.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Shocked woman

Recent Tragedy In Niger Causes Nation To Hold Breath For A Moment Before Realizing No, It’s A Different Word

UNITED STATES — Rising racial tensions caused many Americans to briefly take pause after learning about the four U.S. soldiers who were attacked and killed earlier this month in the African country of Niger. Upon reading the news, people all over the country gasped momentarily, initially believing media outlets had made yet another faux pas, only to soon realize that in fact everything was cool because it wasn’t the bad word they all thought. “I gotta admit, I was panicking when I saw that headline about Niger,” said Brittany Mills of Memphis, Tenn. “Niger. That is how you say that, right?” The knee jerk reaction by many was an unconscious response to the public rise of white nationalism and KKK rallies that have been held across the country in recent months, incidents which have left folks more on edge about everything, even at the expense of spelling and geography basics. “I almost lost my shit when I first heard it,” remarked William Saganaw, who hails from Carmel, Ind. “I swear to Jesus, I thought people were gonna be pissed. Turns out that country’s been there this whole dang time. Who knew?”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

little league homerun

Local Man Psyched After Smashing Friend’s Lob Pitch Over Little League Field Fence

BRONX, NY — Thirty-two year-old Brian Scutaro is absolutely pumped after launching a replica major league baseball over the left field wall at a local youth baseball field earlier this afternoon. Scutaro’s deep fly came off his friend Lyle Pinter’s mild, laid back pitch right down the center of the plate. “I thought L.P. was going to come in on me, you know, try to drive me off the plate,” Scutaro said, “but he just left a pitch right out over the dish. I was able to connect and take one deep.” Scutaro’s round tripper is his first since he and his buddies started meeting up on Saturdays on the diamond to take batting practice seven months ago. “You know, over the course of the spring, and the summer, and the fall, I’ve seen a lot of great pitches, but I could never connect,” Scutaro said. “I was looking to come out of my power slump and I crushed a tater. I just hit a bomb and left the yard. A real moonshot. It felt good going around the bases to touch them all,” he said with a wink and suggestive hand motion toward the female reporter.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.