angry tweeter

After Twitter Character Increase, Users Free To Share Even Longer, More Elaborate Bullshit Opinions

This article originally appeared in the Antwerp Oyster.

THE INTERNET – Four days after the deadliest mass shooting in modern U.S. history, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey said that incidents like Las Vegas are exactly why the Silicon Valley giant doubled its character limit in posts from 140 to 280. “We want users to rant even longer about their frankly irrelevant opinions following major tragedies or, you know, whatever other shit that happens in the world,” Dorsey said in an official statement. “My message to our users is to just go ahead and elaborate further on who is at fault or how our problems can be solved according to them and their braindead friends. This is all about you guys spouting your misguided self-righteousness ad fucking nauseam. We’re giving you more space, so have at it.”

Dorsey admitted that he’s keenly aware nobody on the platform actually has any tangible solutions or ideas, but that he is happy to feed users’ delusions of actually making a difference by allowing them to say twice as much bullshit that inevitably falls on deaf ears. “I’m paying attention. I see what’s going on. It’s our time to capitalize,” Dorsey said. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

The social media mogul added that the new character limit is necessary to accommodate all the shitty viewpoints out there. “Since our service has expanded to users who express hateful sentiments, are intolerant of those with alternative perspectives, peddle conspiracy theories and virtue signal, we recognize that our previous limit was just insufficient for tweeters to fully release the inconsiderate asshole within,” he continued.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.