PITTSBURGH, PA — Ever since Susan Holmes began working at The Brighton Group last May, she’s made a daily habit of over enthusiastically asking every one of her colleagues what they brought for lunch. More than a year later, Holmes’ coworkers have had enough of her bothersome and exaggerated routine. “Every goddamn day, it’s the same question from Suz!” said Michael Fastbender, who shares a cubicle wall with Holmes. “‘Ooooo, what did you bring today?!’ or ‘Did YOU make that all by yourself?’ What the shit?! It’s a Swanson’s frozen meal. Read the damn package, lady!” According to sources inside the company, Holmes becomes even more obnoxious when lunch is brought back from an outside establishment. “I’ve adjusted my entire midday schedule just so I don’t run into her when I return with my food,” said Marnie Dietrich, who doesn’t work directly with Holmes but still feels the bloody wrath of her incessant pestering. “Every once in awhile though she’ll spot me and then there goes my fucking lunch break! ‘Oooo, that looks interesting! What did you get?’ she’ll ask. It’s so irritating! The bag I’m carrying has the word Chipotle. I saw her eating there last week.” Despite being utterly baffled and disturbed by Holmes’ unrelenting fascination with what everyone is eating for lunch, her colleagues don’t have the heart to tell her about her obnoxious questioning. “We don’t want it to get awkward around here,” Fastbender said. “We’ll just continue to harbor these bitter feelings toward Susan until one day it boils over. I wonder who’s going to be the first to snap.”
A three-year study on corporate work culture conducted by social psychologists at the University of Phoenix has revealed startling figures about meetings in an office environment. The results of the research project, unveiled way too goddamn early on Monday morning, suggest that individuals in the workplace who complain the most about meetings that run too long are actually 25 times more likely to be the reason why we didn’t get our full fucking lunch break, Todd.
“I think the results are highly conclusive,” said Alison Whittaker, lead researcher on the study. “Our extensive polling shows that when it comes to office meetings, that person who must recap their weekend trip upstate or tell a dumb-as-shit joke is almost always the one expressing sentiments such as ‘Could this meeting go any longer?” while hinting it should be over by opening and closing their notebook at disturbingly regular intervals.”
The study also estimates that this type of utter bullshit accounts for over 15,000 hours of lost productivity per year. “We found that the Overshare Oscars and the You Won’t Believe Dis Yolandas of the corporate world are most often the ones who never shut up about why meetings should be brief,” Whittaker added. “What we can ultimately learn from this, as the research shows, is that in all likelihood, 93% of all meetings never even needed to occur at all. They’re all mostly useless.”
We’ve all had that particularly annoying coworker at some point in our lives, right? You know, that person we wish we could secretly get fired. Well, I went to Meridian Hill Park in DC to ask Washingtonians what strategy they would use to fire an annoying coworker.