This article originally appeared in the Antwerp Oyster.
LEBANON, OHIO — Warehouse Manager Lester Wagner (53) has just about had it up to here with the man he voted for in the 2016 Election. A loyal Trump supporter since the day he declared his candidacy for the highest office, Wagner now believes if he sees the President do “one more dumb as shit thing”, he may just be forced to no longer support the man. “Fuck yeah I voted for him. He and I, well, we both remember when America was great and understand where it went wrong,” Wagner said as he loaded supplies into shipping crate destined for Cincinnati. “But he’s been all over the place, man. I’m not there quite yet, but I’m just about fed up. I swear to Jesus himself, if Trump does one more thing to harm the reputation of this country or what not, I may just be forced to say that I can no longer support him.”
Wagner said he’s aware that over the past two years the president has openly mocked LGBT people, people with disabilities, women, black people, immigrants from nearly everywhere, Jews, Muslims, Mexico, North Korea, John McCain, television political pundits, the media overall, late night sketch comedy shows and even his own White House staff, but that the President would have to do something really crazy for him to say enough is enough. “Yeah, I know all that. Fuck, quite frankly, all that shit was pretty cool. What I mean is if he does something really dumb, you know? Like, just stupid as hell. I’ll knows it when I sees it.”
Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @mrmaxrose.
This article originally appeared in The Antwerp Oyster.
WASHINGTON D.C. – An online petition calling for constructing all future statues and monuments in the U.S. out of a more malleable material has gone viral after it garnered half a million signatures in four days. In a statement made on Change.org, the petition’s organizers Zarhia Pewter and Joni Keef expressed the urgent need for local municipalities to build statues out of material that “when kicked or punched to bits” won’t actually injure its self-righteous assailants. “I was actually in Durham [North Carolina — Ed.] at the time and witnessed how those people bravely ganged up on the statue honoring the Confederate soldiers who cowardly perished for their backward beliefs like way back and stuff. It totally broke my heart to see some of them in need of treatment for broken toes, feet and the odd ukulele,” said Pewter.
While Pewter and Keef acknowledged the variety of potential complications that could arise from having essentially ‘softer’ statues, such as a higher likelihood of falling over naturally or being subject to extreme weather, both campaigners maintain local councils should still prioritize the wellbeing of their iconoclastic citizens. “It’s crucial that if we discover at a later point that our nation’s statues and monuments are racist, bigoted or just embarrassingly outdated in any way, brave activists on the front line should be able to kick the shit out of public property, while comfortably sipping their lattes or mochaccinos and not worrying about any nasty bruises,” Keef added. “It’s precisely that freedom to be a total, self-centered, wishy-washy PC jackass that our forefathers died fighting for.” Supportive messages for the petition have poured in over the past few days, as well as suggestions for how future monuments could be built including plush, bean bag beans and hair weaves.
Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.