Yesterday evening, Mikey Aaronson, 29, wasn’t seated at his family’s Rosh Hashanah dinner more than 10 minutes before the regular ambush of comments from family members about his slender build started to fly across the table like the locusts of the ten plagues of Egypt.
“Oy vey! You’re so skinny, do you even eat?!” Aunt Barb remarked with overcooked kugel hanging from her lower lip.
“Bubala, you look so unhealthy,” interjected grandpa Solly. “Go ahead, grab a nosh. You must put something in your kishka.”
Every year as members of the Jewish faith mark the beginning of the Jewish New Year, Aaronson travels from his current residence in Austin, Tex. to his family’s home just outside Chicago just to be reminded of how he doesn’t consume nearly enough calories to stay alive.
“It was funny when I was a kid, but it’s gotten a little old,” said Aaronson of the 15 years in a row his family has feared for his safety due to his tall, slight frame. “I actually love to eat. I eat three meals a day, exercise fairly regularly, and don’t drink all that much alcohol. I’m really the healthiest I’ve been in quite some time.”
The not-so-subtle comments didn’t conclude, even upon witnessing Aaronson’s empty plate.
“Bobbymyseh!” shouted second cousin Ari. “Don’t be a schmuck and grab another plate. You look frightening. Feh!”
As Aaronson made his way into his seconds of brisket, bourekas and shakshuka, the table grew silent for nearly a minute before his bubba said, “Look, at least he’s trying.”
After attention focused away from Aaronson, family members quickly began to tease Uncle Larry for eating entirely too much.
“You’re such a schlump,” said grandpa Solly. “Could you not be a khazer for just one day?”
Max Rosenblum is a comedian and satire writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @mrmaxrose.