Tag: satire

man texting black and white

Local Guy An Utter Wreck After Realizing He Never Responded To Friend’s Text From 10 Days Ago

NEW HAVEN, CT — Brett Mulholland is on pins and needles today after realizing he forgot to respond to his friend Sam Winer’s “What’s up?” text from over a week ago. “I saw the message and wanted to respond right away,” an exasperated Mulholland said, “but I was cooking a roasted red pepper penne at the time and couldn’t divert my attention.”

Receiving the text just as the pasta was boiling over, Mulholland said he put his phone down with the intention of writing back after he finished dining. “Next thing I know, it’s over a week later, I’m scrolling through my messages and see it’s been 10 days and I never responded. I’ve probably lost a long-time friend over this! The penne kicked ass though.”

Mulholland said the dish would’ve been overcooked if he’d texted back at that exact moment, but still expressed panic and angst about how to respond after more than a week without any awkwardness. Not every excuse is equally sufficient, Mulholland pines.

“How do I plan to respond? I really have no idea!” the outwardly perturbed Mulholland said as a single bead of sweat descended from his right temple down the side of his face, his hands becoming ever more clammy. “I can’t just say ‘I’ve been busy’ or something like that. I literally tweeted ‘Netflix and chill’ the past six nights in a row.”

Ruminating furiously over his response options while taking excruciatingly long breaths, Mulholland narrowed it down to “New number, who dis?” “Sry, trbl service, just got ur text,” and “Work’s been cray cray” but isn’t sure Sam will buy any of those excuses.

“I just hope he’s okay,” Winer said when reached for comment. “Whenever he’s free, I’m looking forward to catching up.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

work meeting

Coworker Bitching About Ridiculously Long Meetings Almost Always The One Extending Them With Dumb Chitchat, Study Shows

A three-year study on corporate work culture conducted by social psychologists at the University of Phoenix has revealed startling figures about meetings in an office environment. The results of the research project, unveiled way too goddamn early on Monday morning, suggest that individuals in the workplace who complain the most about meetings that run too long are actually 25 times more likely to be the reason why we didn’t get our full fucking lunch break, Todd.

“I think the results are highly conclusive,” said Alison Whittaker, lead researcher on the study. “Our extensive polling shows that when it comes to office meetings, that person who must recap their weekend trip upstate or tell a dumb-as-shit joke is almost always the one expressing sentiments such as ‘Could this meeting go any longer?” while hinting it should be over by opening and closing their notebook at disturbingly regular intervals.”

The study also estimates that this type of utter bullshit accounts for over 15,000 hours of lost productivity per year. “We found that the Overshare Oscars and the You Won’t Believe Dis Yolandas of the corporate world are most often the ones who never shut up about why meetings should be brief,” Whittaker added. “What we can ultimately learn from this, as the research shows, is that in all likelihood, 93% of all meetings never even needed to occur at all. They’re all mostly useless.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Father/Grandfather fight

Witnessing Father And Grandfather’s Verbal Brawl, Son Vows He Won’t Act That Way When He’s Older

JACKSONVILLE, FL — While watching his dad and grandfather argue for over an hour about “the correct way to load a dishwasher,” 24-year-old Miami resident Mitchell Haverman made a solemn promise that he’ll never allow himself to act that way when he gets to their age.

The confrontation started shortly after dinner last Sunday when Haverman’s grandfather, known affectionately as “Pepaw,” made a pointed comment about how Gerald, Mitchell’s father, inserted dirty plates into the 3-week-old Kenmore Elite 14793. “This machine is one of the leading dishwasher brands on the market!” Pepaw shouted. “You have to put the dishes in horizontally, or the whole thing could break and leak all over the linoleum. Here, let me show you.”

Reports out of the kitchen reveal that Gerald then responded with a subtle quip about how dish direction has virtually no impact on the performance of the product. This is when things got out of hand. “I heard a loud shout, something like ‘What was that you said boy?’ and then all hell broke loose,” Haverman said. “They exchanged heated words for what had to be over an hour. I don’t know how long it lasted exactly. All I know is when they started jawing, it was the 2nd inning of the Yankees game I was watching and they didn’t stop squabbling until the 7th inning stretch.”

Attempting to break up the fight by offering at least a dozen “audible sighs and coughs,” Haverman’s failure to upend the confrontation caused him to make a solemn pledge that he would never act like any of the other men in his family, despite sharing their deeply ingrained genetic code.

“I really think I can break the streak of generations of Haverman men before me,” Mitchell said, exasperated from the verbal brawl. “I’m going to be different, I know it.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

angry tweeter

After Twitter Character Increase, Users Free To Share Even Longer, More Elaborate Bullshit Opinions

This article originally appeared in the Antwerp Oyster.

THE INTERNET – Four days after the deadliest mass shooting in modern U.S. history, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey said that incidents like Las Vegas are exactly why the Silicon Valley giant doubled its character limit in posts from 140 to 280. “We want users to rant even longer about their frankly irrelevant opinions following major tragedies or, you know, whatever other shit that happens in the world,” Dorsey said in an official statement. “My message to our users is to just go ahead and elaborate further on who is at fault or how our problems can be solved according to them and their braindead friends. This is all about you guys spouting your misguided self-righteousness ad fucking nauseam. We’re giving you more space, so have at it.”

Dorsey admitted that he’s keenly aware nobody on the platform actually has any tangible solutions or ideas, but that he is happy to feed users’ delusions of actually making a difference by allowing them to say twice as much bullshit that inevitably falls on deaf ears. “I’m paying attention. I see what’s going on. It’s our time to capitalize,” Dorsey said. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

The social media mogul added that the new character limit is necessary to accommodate all the shitty viewpoints out there. “Since our service has expanded to users who express hateful sentiments, are intolerant of those with alternative perspectives, peddle conspiracy theories and virtue signal, we recognize that our previous limit was just insufficient for tweeters to fully release the inconsiderate asshole within,” he continued.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Rosh Hashanah Dinner

Even After Grabbing Seconds at Holiday Dinner, Jewish Man’s Family Still Convinced He’s Anorexic

Yesterday evening, Mikey Aaronson, 29, wasn’t seated at his family’s Rosh Hashanah dinner more than 10 minutes before the regular ambush of comments from family members about his slender build started to fly across the table like the locusts of the ten plagues of Egypt.

“Oy vey! You’re so skinny, do you even eat?!” Aunt Barb remarked with overcooked kugel hanging from her lower lip.

“Bubala, you look so unhealthy,” interjected grandpa Solly. “Go ahead, grab a nosh. You must put something in your kishka.”

Every year as members of the Jewish faith mark the beginning of the Jewish New Year, Aaronson travels from his current residence in Austin, Tex. to his family’s home just outside Chicago just to be reminded of how he doesn’t consume nearly enough calories to stay alive.

“It was funny when I was a kid, but it’s gotten a little old,” said Aaronson of the 15 years in a row his family has feared for his safety due to his tall, slight frame. “I actually love to eat. I eat three meals a day, exercise fairly regularly, and don’t drink all that much alcohol. I’m really the healthiest I’ve been in quite some time.”

The not-so-subtle comments didn’t conclude, even upon witnessing Aaronson’s empty plate.

“Bobbymyseh!” shouted second cousin Ari. “Don’t be a schmuck and grab another plate. You look frightening. Feh!”

As Aaronson made his way into his seconds of brisket, bourekas and shakshuka, the table grew silent for nearly a minute before his bubba said, “Look, at least he’s trying.”

After attention focused away from Aaronson, family members quickly began to tease Uncle Larry for eating entirely too much.

“You’re such a schlump,” said grandpa Solly. “Could you not be a khazer for just one day?”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Protest kicking statues

Protesters Demand Future Monuments Be Constructed Out Of Softer Materials To Avoid Injuries When Kicked

This article originally appeared in The Antwerp Oyster.

WASHINGTON D.C. – An online petition calling for constructing all future statues and monuments in the U.S. out of a more malleable material has gone viral after it garnered half a million signatures in four days. In a statement made on Change.org, the petition’s organizers Zarhia Pewter and Joni Keef expressed the urgent need for local municipalities to build statues out of material that “when kicked or punched to bits” won’t actually injure its self-righteous assailants. “I was actually in Durham [North Carolina — Ed.] at the time and witnessed how those people bravely ganged up on the statue honoring the Confederate soldiers who cowardly perished for their backward beliefs like way back and stuff. It totally broke my heart to see some of them in need of treatment for broken toes, feet and the odd ukulele,” said Pewter.

While Pewter and Keef acknowledged the variety of potential complications that could arise from having essentially ‘softer’ statues, such as a higher likelihood of falling over naturally or being subject to extreme weather, both campaigners maintain local councils should still prioritize the wellbeing of their iconoclastic citizens. “It’s crucial that if we discover at a later point that our nation’s statues and monuments are racist, bigoted or just embarrassingly outdated in any way, brave activists on the front line should be able to kick the shit out of public property, while comfortably sipping their lattes or mochaccinos and not worrying about any nasty bruises,” Keef added. “It’s precisely that freedom to be a total, self-centered, wishy-washy PC jackass that our forefathers died fighting for.” Supportive messages for the petition have poured in over the past few days, as well as suggestions for how future monuments could be built including plush, bean bag beans and hair weaves.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Running to toliet

In Act Of Bravery, Local Man Poops Without His Phone

PHOENIX, AZ — A 29-year-old corporate account manager is receiving high praise from friends and colleagues after he recently went No. 2 and didn’t bring his phone to the bathroom.

“It all happened so fast,” said Neil Farmar, the courageous man who pooped without the itch to check Instagram or send a tweet. “Honestly, I hardly even remember the incident. It’s just a blur, but I’m glad I was able to act on time.”

While the details are fuzzy, Farmar recalls that he was sitting at this desk at 10:11 a.m. on Wednesday morning when the need to shit suddenly hit him. With his phone charging at 13%, he acted on instinct and immediately darted for the bathroom. According to Farmar, 37 minutes later when he emerged from the restroom, his co-workers were there to congratulate him on his feat.

“It was a real emergency,” Farmar contemplated. “In reality, I was worried I wouldn’t make it in time and that I’d be remembered at the office for something far worse. I’m really living this moment up right now. I feel truly #blessed.”

Farmar said that he hopes younger generations can learn something from his example and that he is currently scheduling a lecture series for those who want to learn more about how to crap without checking email, catching up on sports scores, or ordering a delivery pizza.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Cubs baby

Inspiring: Chicago newborn will be 107 when Cubs next win World Series

BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT

At 7:08 p.m. on Monday, August 28th, Chicago area residents Joel and Liza Greenwald welcomed their newborn son Sammy Arrieta Greenwald into the world, weighing 8 pounds, 7 ounces. Wriggling baby Sammy into his first Chicago Cubs onesie early Tuesday, dad reported that both mom and the baby are doing well. “We’re just over the moon in the love with him,” Joel said before expressing a sliver of sorrow. “It’s all very emotional… We’re so elated, yet we know that we won’t be around to see him celebrate the next Cubs World Series in 2124.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Putting out house fire

Water from Fireman’s Hose Apologizes for Committing Microaggression Against House Fire

Water that was used to douse the flames that engulfed a family home in Renton, Wash. on Friday has now issued a formal public apology after the house fire called the water’s actions a “dangerous microaggression” that could have a “lasting impact on my community.”

“While I understand that the water had good intentions, the result of last week’s events hindered me from being my truest flaming, sweltering self,” the fire said in a statement earlier today as it held back tears. “Myself and my fellow fires only pop up occasionally, and when an outside force attempts to put us out, it basically rips our livelihood and identity away from us.”

The fire further declared this phenomenon as an issue that has gone unaddressed for too long and demonstrates what is “deeply troubling about the history of the country.” Responding to the new wave of uproar, the water’s apology comes after 48 hours of backlash in the news and on social media. Offline, nearly 1,500 protestors marched in the streets of nearby Seattle on Saturday chanting “Justice for the fire” and holding signs saying “Put out a fire! You get fired!”

“It has occurred to me that what I did to that fire was morally reprehensible and does not align with the values that I hold dear and consider to be an important part of my character,” the water stated in a video published to its YouTube page today. “At the time, I was not aware that by doing my job I could actually risk losing my job. I’ll need to think more carefully the next time I take such actions.”

In an interview with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, the water also said these past several days have resulted in some serious soul searching and a re-evaluation of career choice.

“I’m now thinking of pursuing a career as a pool, or maybe a lake,” the water stated on Blitzer’s program. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Olympics and boats, neither of which I witnessed in my previous life of deeply offending fires.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Activists rebuke neo-Nazi rally, interested in their points about Jews though

As protestors clashed with white supremacists and neo-Nazis in downtown Charlottesville, Va. during Saturday’s “Unite the Right” rally, one thing became evidently clear: there is a growing contingent of Americans who aim to demonstrate that this country is not a safe harbor for hatred and bigotry.

“What the alt-right, Nazis and KKK are doing to our country is an absolute disgrace to basic American values,” said Kimberly Ashton, who drove 3 hours to protest. “We’ve taken a dark turn since the election; those who discriminate against others on the basis of race, class, gender and religion have become emboldened in their beliefs.”

While white supremacists attending the rally were met with resistance by progressive activists, many from the opposition shied away from outright condemnation of the march, arguing the importance of finding opportunities to pursue shared values.

“As we witness downright bigotry displayed toward minorities in this country, we must not forget those who face oppression abroad,” Ashton said. “For instance, Israel is committing genocide against Palestinians, so those racists do make a decent point about Jews.”

While activists such as Ashton and others repudiated the overall theme of the rally, white nationalists chanting anti-Semitic and Nazi slogans including “blood and soil” and “Jews will not replace us” weren’t enough to draw outright disapproval.

University of Virginia graduate student Peter Hanover expressed extreme contempt for the “Unite the Right” march, but stressed how intersectionality can advance social causes.

“Yes, it is true that the ideology of those marching is extremely problematic,” Hanover said. “At the same time, so is Zionism. Progressives stand united against those who seek to discriminate against any minority group, yet we cannot shy away from attempts to find common ground. At least Hitler was an environmentalist.”

Ashton and Hanover held firm to their beliefs even when recited the definition of Zionism, that is the establishment and development of a homeland for Jews, free from oppression and hatred, much like that which was demonstrated by neo-Nazis over the weekend.

While it may seem shocking that some opposed to the neo-Nazi rally could hold even remotely similar views to the marchers themselves, it has actually become more par-for-the-course in recent months. In June, Jewish lesbian marchers were kicked out of the progressive Chicago Dyke March for carrying LGBTQ pride flags stitched with the Jewish Star of David, the most recognizable Jewish symbol today.

Dyke March organizers, who tout their commitment to representing minority communities and the historically oppressed, doubled down on their decision to ask Jewish demonstrators to leave tweeting that “Zio tears replenish my electrolytes.”

By the end of the day, one more thing became evidently clear: despite having deep ideological divisions, we can always find a place of mutual agreement.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.