Tag: politics

Conyers and Moore

Lawmakers Serious About Punishing Members Of Opposition Party Accused Of Sexual Harassment

This article originally appeared in The Antwerp Oyster.

Washington, D.C. — Politicians in Washington are determined to demonstrate that swift consequences will be issued to any colleague facing allegations of sexual harassment and who’s a member of the other political party. Both Republicans and Democrats want the country to thoroughly understand that this type of behavior will not be accepted from members across the aisle. “When it comes to sexual assault or harassment, we need to believe all women when they come forward with such allegations, as I’ve stated numerous times when discussing those guys over there,” said House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi. “At the same time, we have to make sure we respect due process, you know, for our guys. Because you just don’t know, except when it’s you know who.” On the other side, during a news briefing last week, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders responded to questions about the White House’s position on accused Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore by stating “yeah, but what about Al Franken? Did you see that photo of him? It was disgusting. Let’s just make sure we first hear Mr. Moore out, okay?” A House Democrat, who wished to remain anonymous but did comment on the allegations sweeping the halls of Congress, said he’s sickened by the horrifying actions of his Republican colleagues and can’t believe anyone would accuse a Democrat of such behavior because they’re obviously “pro-women and stuff.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Thanksgiving talking points

Ahead Of Thanksgiving Gathering, Family Members Ready Their Talking Points Should “Standing vs. Kneeling” Debate Arise During Day’s NFL Games

This article originally appeared in The Antwerp Oyster.

BLOOMINGTON, MN — Recent uproar surrounding the American flag and whether or not it’s disrespectful to kneel during the National Anthem has caused each member of the Thompson clan to meticulously prepare their respective viewpoints in case debate breaks out during today’s football games. So far, Neil (23), Regina (27) and Eric (29) have each carefully outlined points on their phone’s Notes app, while Drew (47) and Victoria (42) have jotted their own ideas on a legal pad. Other major pillars of the family plan to just wing it. “I just think it’s un-American to sit or kneel during the Anthem no matter what,” said Joseph (59), patriarch of the family. “The players are highlighting important issues, but the gridiron is no place for that. Just tackle the shit out of each other, and protest on your own time. Go Cowboys!” While Danica (14) doesn’t fully understand the varying viewpoints held by Americans, she has some idea how she might chime in based on ideas her friends have expressed on social media. “Michael in my social studies class is always posting articles from Vox, Mother Jones and the Daily Mail, and he has the highest GPA in our grade,” she said. Sarah (54), wife of Joseph and family matriarch, hopes the household avoids any discussion altogether, but is suitably prepared to cut down anyone whose opinions don’t fully match hers. “I hope we can remain civil and just enjoy each other’s company,” she stated. “At the same time, I’ll never stand for the National Anthem again and fuck anyone who does.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Shocked woman

Recent Tragedy In Niger Causes Nation To Hold Breath For A Moment Before Realizing No, It’s A Different Word

UNITED STATES — Rising racial tensions caused many Americans to briefly take pause after learning about the four U.S. soldiers who were attacked and killed earlier this month in the African country of Niger. Upon reading the news, people all over the country gasped momentarily, initially believing media outlets had made yet another faux pas, only to soon realize that in fact everything was cool because it wasn’t the bad word they all thought. “I gotta admit, I was panicking when I saw that headline about Niger,” said Brittany Mills of Memphis, Tenn. “Niger. That is how you say that, right?” The knee jerk reaction by many was an unconscious response to the public rise of white nationalism and KKK rallies that have been held across the country in recent months, incidents which have left folks more on edge about everything, even at the expense of spelling and geography basics. “I almost lost my shit when I first heard it,” remarked William Saganaw, who hails from Carmel, Ind. “I swear to Jesus, I thought people were gonna be pissed. Turns out that country’s been there this whole dang time. Who knew?”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

ohio trump man

Trump Just One More Fuck Up Away From Losing Support Of Ohio Man

This article originally appeared in the Antwerp Oyster.

LEBANON, OHIO — Warehouse Manager Lester Wagner (53) has just about had it up to here with the man he voted for in the 2016 Election. A loyal Trump supporter since the day he declared his candidacy for the highest office, Wagner now believes if he sees the President do “one more dumb as shit thing”, he may just be forced to no longer support the man. “Fuck yeah I voted for him. He and I, well, we both remember when America was great and understand where it went wrong,” Wagner said as he loaded supplies into shipping crate destined for Cincinnati. “But he’s been all over the place, man. I’m not there quite yet, but I’m just about fed up. I swear to Jesus himself, if Trump does one more thing to harm the reputation of this country or what not, I may just be forced to say that I can no longer support him.”

Wagner said he’s aware that over the past two years the president has openly mocked LGBT people, people with disabilities, women, black people, immigrants from nearly everywhere, Jews, Muslims, Mexico, North Korea, John McCain, television political pundits, the media overall, late night sketch comedy shows and even his own White House staff, but that the President would have to do something really crazy for him to say enough is enough. “Yeah, I know all that. Fuck, quite frankly, all that shit was pretty cool. What I mean is if he does something really dumb, you know? Like, just stupid as hell. I’ll knows it when I sees it.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @mrmaxrose.

mourning

Millions Offer Thoughts And Prayers For Unknown Victims Of Next Inevitable Mass Shooting

This article originally appeared in the Antwerp Oyster.

Millions of Americans joined together yesterday evening in a show of collective solidarity to offer thoughts and prayers for the victims of the country’s next large-scale shooting, wherever and whenever it may occur. Thousands attended candlelight vigils in several cities across the country, with many more offering condolences on social media for all the undetermined men, women and children who will soon inevitably die at the hands of the next crazed lone wolf shooter, domestic terrorist, untreated mentally ill person, or all of the above.

“It really speaks to our strength as a nation that so many people came out tonight to not only think about past tragedies, but offer prayers, hymns, bible passages, and direct messages from God to future casualties as well, whoever they may be,” said Mary Lou Hoffman, who organized a rally in Dallas. Vigils were also held in Atlanta, Los Angeles, Seattle, and Boston, while pro-active mourners expressed their sympathy under the #NotMuchElseWeCanDo, #MightAsWellGetThisOverWithNow and #ShowThemYouCareJustEnoughToPostThisCrap hashtags on Twitter.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Protest kicking statues

Protesters Demand Future Monuments Be Constructed Out Of Softer Materials To Avoid Injuries When Kicked

This article originally appeared in The Antwerp Oyster.

WASHINGTON D.C. – An online petition calling for constructing all future statues and monuments in the U.S. out of a more malleable material has gone viral after it garnered half a million signatures in four days. In a statement made on Change.org, the petition’s organizers Zarhia Pewter and Joni Keef expressed the urgent need for local municipalities to build statues out of material that “when kicked or punched to bits” won’t actually injure its self-righteous assailants. “I was actually in Durham [North Carolina — Ed.] at the time and witnessed how those people bravely ganged up on the statue honoring the Confederate soldiers who cowardly perished for their backward beliefs like way back and stuff. It totally broke my heart to see some of them in need of treatment for broken toes, feet and the odd ukulele,” said Pewter.

While Pewter and Keef acknowledged the variety of potential complications that could arise from having essentially ‘softer’ statues, such as a higher likelihood of falling over naturally or being subject to extreme weather, both campaigners maintain local councils should still prioritize the wellbeing of their iconoclastic citizens. “It’s crucial that if we discover at a later point that our nation’s statues and monuments are racist, bigoted or just embarrassingly outdated in any way, brave activists on the front line should be able to kick the shit out of public property, while comfortably sipping their lattes or mochaccinos and not worrying about any nasty bruises,” Keef added. “It’s precisely that freedom to be a total, self-centered, wishy-washy PC jackass that our forefathers died fighting for.” Supportive messages for the petition have poured in over the past few days, as well as suggestions for how future monuments could be built including plush, bean bag beans and hair weaves.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Activists rebuke neo-Nazi rally, interested in their points about Jews though

As protestors clashed with white supremacists and neo-Nazis in downtown Charlottesville, Va. during Saturday’s “Unite the Right” rally, one thing became evidently clear: there is a growing contingent of Americans who aim to demonstrate that this country is not a safe harbor for hatred and bigotry.

“What the alt-right, Nazis and KKK are doing to our country is an absolute disgrace to basic American values,” said Kimberly Ashton, who drove 3 hours to protest. “We’ve taken a dark turn since the election; those who discriminate against others on the basis of race, class, gender and religion have become emboldened in their beliefs.”

While white supremacists attending the rally were met with resistance by progressive activists, many from the opposition shied away from outright condemnation of the march, arguing the importance of finding opportunities to pursue shared values.

“As we witness downright bigotry displayed toward minorities in this country, we must not forget those who face oppression abroad,” Ashton said. “For instance, Israel is committing genocide against Palestinians, so those racists do make a decent point about Jews.”

While activists such as Ashton and others repudiated the overall theme of the rally, white nationalists chanting anti-Semitic and Nazi slogans including “blood and soil” and “Jews will not replace us” weren’t enough to draw outright disapproval.

University of Virginia graduate student Peter Hanover expressed extreme contempt for the “Unite the Right” march, but stressed how intersectionality can advance social causes.

“Yes, it is true that the ideology of those marching is extremely problematic,” Hanover said. “At the same time, so is Zionism. Progressives stand united against those who seek to discriminate against any minority group, yet we cannot shy away from attempts to find common ground. At least Hitler was an environmentalist.”

Ashton and Hanover held firm to their beliefs even when recited the definition of Zionism, that is the establishment and development of a homeland for Jews, free from oppression and hatred, much like that which was demonstrated by neo-Nazis over the weekend.

While it may seem shocking that some opposed to the neo-Nazi rally could hold even remotely similar views to the marchers themselves, it has actually become more par-for-the-course in recent months. In June, Jewish lesbian marchers were kicked out of the progressive Chicago Dyke March for carrying LGBTQ pride flags stitched with the Jewish Star of David, the most recognizable Jewish symbol today.

Dyke March organizers, who tout their commitment to representing minority communities and the historically oppressed, doubled down on their decision to ask Jewish demonstrators to leave tweeting that “Zio tears replenish my electrolytes.”

By the end of the day, one more thing became evidently clear: despite having deep ideological divisions, we can always find a place of mutual agreement.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.