Tag: jewish

Jew and santa

Nothing Jewish Boyfriend Could Ever Do Will Make Gentile Girlfriend Happier Than Christmas

OAKLAND, CA — Noah Rothstein doesn’t pretend to kid himself when it comes to where he ranks in the eyes of his longtime girlfriend and obvious goy, Amber Fleming. Witnessing Fleming swell with excitement at the mere mention of the word “Christmas,” Rothstein is keenly aware that no amount of love, admiration or even couples social media pics will ever help him measure up to Santa Claus, colorful lights and joyful carols.

As a result, Rothstein has had to come to terms with his No. 2 standing in the relationship. “Nothing about me — or the culture I grew up with — will ever make Amber feel as good as Christmas does,” Rothstein admitted. “So I’ve just learned to embrace it. I don’t try to be better than candy canes, sugarplums or anything roasting on an open fire.”

Early on in the two-year relationship, Rothstein made attempts to integrate some Jewish practices into the couple’s holiday celebrations. However, nothing he did could compete with the allure of Christmas. “I really wanted our holidays together to have more of a Christmukkah feel, but we have latkes and chocolate, and they have pretty much everything else,” he said.

While it took Rothstein some time to fully comprehend Fleming’s strange obsession with the holiday, he now tolerates hours-long gift shopping trips, ugly sweaters and pulling random spruce tree needles out of his feet every morning. “There’s no point in fighting it,” he said. “Now, I just enjoy Christmas the same way Amber does; in a maniacal and frighteningly unhealthy fashion.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

all the jesuses

I Visited Seven Churches In Europe And Didn’t Once Point Out To Everyone That Jesus Was A Jew

Walk into any church in Europe, or anywhere else for that matter, and what do you notice? Floors? Yes, there are floors. Ceilings? Yes, there are also ceilings. Often very high ceilings. Books? Yes, lots of books. Typically, one of them seems to be more important than all the others. But I’m talking about something else you may notice, that is if you’re paying hard enough attention. Given up yet? Okay, I’ll tell you. It’s that Christianity has a slight obsession with Jesus. You know, the racially ambiguous emaciated guy typically hanging from two mounted wooden beams. If this comes as news to you, take a moment, do a Google search and come back to this article. I’ll be right here…

So now that you are up to speed with what I’m talking about, you know that every one of these so-called “God centers” have at least two dozen statues and paintings of Jesus (very few of him not dead or dying). In some cases there are more, but always two dozen at least. Yet, even with all these homages to the Christian lord and savior, not one of them mention that Jesus was actually a Jew. Was someone going to tell everyone in here? I mean, I can’t be the one to turn over that stone.

Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to. It took everything in my power and all of my strength gained from three weeks of free meditation classes to fight my natural urge to approach praying strangers and whisper softly into their ear “You know, Jesus was a Jew?” while they fumbled a strand of beads in their hands. But I kept my composure and didn’t utter a sound. I’m very proud of my progress and how far I’ve come.

That doesn’t keep me from wondering though. Were my fellow visitors aware of this when they paid the 30 euro entrance fee? Did these people even think about the fact that Jesus probably celebrated Passover while they were snapping selfies in front of stained glass windows? I hope so. As I took a lift to the top of the cathedral for an aerial view of the city, I couldn’t help but wonder if the six other people with whom I shared this small shaft knew what I knew. I couldn’t be the one to tell them though. It’s not my style, not after how hard I’ve been working on myself.

Instead of flapping my gums about how, as a kid, Jesus likely lit the Menorah candles, I just took baller photos of me staring off in the distance coupled with the caption “TFW when you’re in God’s house and not telling everyone Jesus was a Jew.” Allow me to me clarify. I’m not telling anyone in the church about Jesus being Jewish, but you’re out of your mind if you believe I’m not going to broadcast this information to my social media network. I think the 37 people who follow me understand what I mean.

Rosh Hashanah Dinner

Even After Grabbing Seconds at Holiday Dinner, Jewish Man’s Family Still Convinced He’s Anorexic

Yesterday evening, Mikey Aaronson, 29, wasn’t seated at his family’s Rosh Hashanah dinner more than 10 minutes before the regular ambush of comments from family members about his slender build started to fly across the table like the locusts of the ten plagues of Egypt.

“Oy vey! You’re so skinny, do you even eat?!” Aunt Barb remarked with overcooked kugel hanging from her lower lip.

“Bubala, you look so unhealthy,” interjected grandpa Solly. “Go ahead, grab a nosh. You must put something in your kishka.”

Every year as members of the Jewish faith mark the beginning of the Jewish New Year, Aaronson travels from his current residence in Austin, Tex. to his family’s home just outside Chicago just to be reminded of how he doesn’t consume nearly enough calories to stay alive.

“It was funny when I was a kid, but it’s gotten a little old,” said Aaronson of the 15 years in a row his family has feared for his safety due to his tall, slight frame. “I actually love to eat. I eat three meals a day, exercise fairly regularly, and don’t drink all that much alcohol. I’m really the healthiest I’ve been in quite some time.”

The not-so-subtle comments didn’t conclude, even upon witnessing Aaronson’s empty plate.

“Bobbymyseh!” shouted second cousin Ari. “Don’t be a schmuck and grab another plate. You look frightening. Feh!”

As Aaronson made his way into his seconds of brisket, bourekas and shakshuka, the table grew silent for nearly a minute before his bubba said, “Look, at least he’s trying.”

After attention focused away from Aaronson, family members quickly began to tease Uncle Larry for eating entirely too much.

“You’re such a schlump,” said grandpa Solly. “Could you not be a khazer for just one day?”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.