Tag: food

blackened banana

Blackened Banana In Freezer Doubts It’ll Ever Be Used To Make Bread

This article originally appeared in Robot Butt.

Des Moines, IA — Three months after being relegated to the freezer because it wasn’t consumed fast enough, a now rock hard banana is beginning to fear that it may never be used to make banana bread, sources are reporting. The overripe banana, which was placed in the freezer door’s top shelf this summer, believes it has been forgotten and as a result won’t be a part of any sort of recipe any time soon, as it had previously thought.

Sources close to the tropical fruit say it had been holding onto hope, even two months since being assigned to the coldest part of the house. But given the long lapse in time, it no longer harbors much optimism, recently stating that at this point it would even settle for being part of an ice cream split, if that’s what it takes. While the banana’s faith in its ability to become an office break room treat continues to dwindle, it does cling to the remote possibility that one day the door will open and it will be called upon.

The freezer door swings open right before midnight. Nope, not this time either. A line is etched on the freezer door, marking Day 92.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

snack pouch guy

Childless Man Buys ‘Daddy Baby Bjorn’ For His Snacks

TAMPA, FL — Twenty-three year-old IT specialist Nathan Bauer’s recent purchase of a shirt designed for fathers to wear their baby would sound normal except for one thing. Bauer doesn’t have any kids. In fact, he’s not married, nor is he even in a relationship. Bauer actually purchased the Lalabu shirt, which sports a built-in pouch specially designed to fit an infant, so he could store his snacks and avoid having to get off the couch during excessively long periods of playing video games and watching anime cartoons. “If we’re being honest, I was just so exhausted having to make the 20-foot trek to the kitchen every time I got a craving for more grub,” Bauer said. “Luckily, with the Lalabu, I can pile all my sugar and salt-laced snacks into my pouch and plant myself in front of the television for hours without even needing to stand up. My record is 19 hours straight.” Bauer said that while the shirt has perfectly functioned to exacerbate his laziness, it’s difficult not to become a little emotional while wearing the garment. “I’m fully aware that it’s not like having an actual child,” he said. “But when I’m wearing the shirt, I feel a strong connection with my snacks. I named it Nabisco. He’s only two months old, but I can already see the resemblance.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.