Tag: comedy

dick pic regret

Area Man Seeks Any Plausible Excuse For Taking Phone Back From Friends After Remembering All The Dick Pics

CHARLOTTE, NC — Thomas Larkin, 24, is immediately regretting his decision to share recent vacation photos with friends upon realizing he forgot to delete the collection of dick pics also peppered throughout his iPhone 8. Mere seconds after Larkin handed his Apple device to the group, he remembered that among hundreds of photographs of ancient architecture, local cuisine, and regional customs, were at least a dozen high quality visuals of his genitals that he took during his 10-day excursion, all shot from different angles and depths but never actually sent to anyone. “Wait, let me see the phone again,” Larkin told his friends as he mentally sorted through a number of explanations as to why he’d take his phone back after having just handed it over. “Perhaps I’ll tell them it needed an emergency software update,” Larkin thought to himself. “iPhones are always updating randomly, right? Right?” Filtering through a number of additional backup excuses in his head just in case, Larkin’s possible rationales range from highly to preposterously fishy, including a funny idea he needed to tweet right away, forgetting to tip his Uber driver back from the airport, and ensuring his iTunes account was up to date. “I could just admit that I like to look at my own dick,” he posited before thinking no, that wouldn’t go over well.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

online donations

After Donating To Every Friend And Acquaintance Facing Hard Times, Man Crowdfunds To Avoid Bankruptcy

NEWPORT, RHODE ISLAND — A man who’s been called “the nicest guy you’ll meet this fiscal year” is currently in serious financial trouble after donating small amounts of money to  hundreds of people in his social media network dealing with personal tragedies, financial mishaps, mental breakdowns or just general difficult circumstances of some kind or another. Now that man, 27-year-old Zac Gallagher, has been forced to launch his own crowdfunding campaign to avoid homelessness and financial obsoletism. “I’m not a wealthy guy, but I’ve always had the means to support myself,” Gallagher said as he reviewed his crowdfunding profile surrounded by stacks of unpaid bills marked DELINQUENT. “As a result, I’ve always made it a priority to help others when they’re need.” Gallagher stated that he was personally moved after reading one heartbreaking account after another from people he knows, people who know people he knows, or people who at one point or another met someone he knows, all of which compelled him to offer anything he could. Nearly 450 donations later, Gallagher finds himself 8 days away from officially losing everything and hopes he can raise $10,000 to get back on his feet. “I know times are hard for people right now, so I can’t expect everyone to give,” Gallagher said. “I hope people can help, but there’s so much you can ask. Oh look, my cousin’s friend from high school had her backpack stolen. I can give her a few bucks.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

man texting black and white

Local Guy An Utter Wreck After Realizing He Never Responded To Friend’s Text From 10 Days Ago

NEW HAVEN, CT — Brett Mulholland is on pins and needles today after realizing he forgot to respond to his friend Sam Winer’s “What’s up?” text from over a week ago. “I saw the message and wanted to respond right away,” an exasperated Mulholland said, “but I was cooking a roasted red pepper penne at the time and couldn’t divert my attention.”

Receiving the text just as the pasta was boiling over, Mulholland said he put his phone down with the intention of writing back after he finished dining. “Next thing I know, it’s over a week later, I’m scrolling through my messages and see it’s been 10 days and I never responded. I’ve probably lost a long-time friend over this! The penne kicked ass though.”

Mulholland said the dish would’ve been overcooked if he’d texted back at that exact moment, but still expressed panic and angst about how to respond after more than a week without any awkwardness. Not every excuse is equally sufficient, Mulholland pines.

“How do I plan to respond? I really have no idea!” the outwardly perturbed Mulholland said as a single bead of sweat descended from his right temple down the side of his face, his hands becoming ever more clammy. “I can’t just say ‘I’ve been busy’ or something like that. I literally tweeted ‘Netflix and chill’ the past six nights in a row.”

Ruminating furiously over his response options while taking excruciatingly long breaths, Mulholland narrowed it down to “New number, who dis?” “Sry, trbl service, just got ur text,” and “Work’s been cray cray” but isn’t sure Sam will buy any of those excuses.

“I just hope he’s okay,” Winer said when reached for comment. “Whenever he’s free, I’m looking forward to catching up.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

sober karaoke

Sober Man Booted From Karaoke Night For Being A Hazard To Everyone’s Good Times

AUBURN HILLS, MICHIGAN — A bar patron was ejected from a local karaoke night on Wednesday after management deemed the man wasn’t remotely drunk enough to engage in the joyous revelry of singing classic song covers off key. Twenty-nine year-old Jared Kopft, on the second day of his antibiotics, knew he couldn’t drink and offered to be his friend’s designated driver. “Of course, it would have been more fun if I was drinking,” Kopft said, “but I tried to make the best of the situation. All I wanted to do was to crush some Bon Jovi, maybe even some J.T.” Bar Manager Gino Tagatali claimed he didn’t want to kick Kopft out, but was forced to consider how being around someone with absolutely no liquor running through their bloodstream could put a damper on his patrons’ wildly unsuccessful attempts to hit a single note from any song. “Look at this place,” Tagatali said. “You have people who are falling over, they’re acting rude, and have absolutely no pitch. This just isn’t the place for the antics of a sober person. We’re at fucking karaoke for Christ’s sake!”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

man traffic jam

Man Laying On Car Horn Livid That Nobody’s Moving

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS  — Aggressively pumping his car horn in dead stop traffic for the past 14 straight minutes, 42-year-old parole officer Vinny Nealson remains utterly shellshocked that he hasn’t moved a single inch toward the upcoming intersection’s unprotected left turn. “Do these friggin’ clowns not understand what the goddamn horn means?” Nealson rhetorically asked while fidgeting wildly in his seat. “I know it jams up here sometimes. But, that’s what this thing is for! If I’m honking, that’s the sign it’s time for these hooligans to get their asses moving.” Maintaining the continuous harmony of his Nissan’s shrieking honk, Nealson’s supreme irritation at the uncontrollable situation resulted in him loudly yelling obscenities at the roughly two dozen other drivers ahead of him attempting to make the same turn onto one of the busiest streets in the Southside of Chicago. “I’m not sure what those jabronis are doing up there,” he said. “I don’t give a shit if there are oncoming cars. Just turn you asshats! Some of us have places to be and lives to ruin.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

little league homerun

Local Man Psyched After Smashing Friend’s Lob Pitch Over Little League Field Fence

BRONX, NY — Thirty-two year-old Brian Scutaro is absolutely pumped after launching a replica major league baseball over the left field wall at a local youth baseball field earlier this afternoon. Scutaro’s deep fly came off his friend Lyle Pinter’s mild, laid back pitch right down the center of the plate. “I thought L.P. was going to come in on me, you know, try to drive me off the plate,” Scutaro said, “but he just left a pitch right out over the dish. I was able to connect and take one deep.” Scutaro’s round tripper is his first since he and his buddies started meeting up on Saturdays on the diamond to take batting practice seven months ago. “You know, over the course of the spring, and the summer, and the fall, I’ve seen a lot of great pitches, but I could never connect,” Scutaro said. “I was looking to come out of my power slump and I crushed a tater. I just hit a bomb and left the yard. A real moonshot. It felt good going around the bases to touch them all,” he said with a wink and suggestive hand motion toward the female reporter.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

snack pouch guy

Childless Man Buys ‘Daddy Baby Bjorn’ For His Snacks

TAMPA, FL — Twenty-three year-old IT specialist Nathan Bauer’s recent purchase of a shirt designed for fathers to wear their baby would sound normal except for one thing. Bauer doesn’t have any kids. In fact, he’s not married, nor is he even in a relationship. Bauer actually purchased the Lalabu shirt, which sports a built-in pouch specially designed to fit an infant, so he could store his snacks and avoid having to get off the couch during excessively long periods of playing video games and watching anime cartoons. “If we’re being honest, I was just so exhausted having to make the 20-foot trek to the kitchen every time I got a craving for more grub,” Bauer said. “Luckily, with the Lalabu, I can pile all my sugar and salt-laced snacks into my pouch and plant myself in front of the television for hours without even needing to stand up. My record is 19 hours straight.” Bauer said that while the shirt has perfectly functioned to exacerbate his laziness, it’s difficult not to become a little emotional while wearing the garment. “I’m fully aware that it’s not like having an actual child,” he said. “But when I’m wearing the shirt, I feel a strong connection with my snacks. I named it Nabisco. He’s only two months old, but I can already see the resemblance.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

work meeting

Coworker Bitching About Ridiculously Long Meetings Almost Always The One Extending Them With Dumb Chitchat, Study Shows

A three-year study on corporate work culture conducted by social psychologists at the University of Phoenix has revealed startling figures about meetings in an office environment. The results of the research project, unveiled way too goddamn early on Monday morning, suggest that individuals in the workplace who complain the most about meetings that run too long are actually 25 times more likely to be the reason why we didn’t get our full fucking lunch break, Todd.

“I think the results are highly conclusive,” said Alison Whittaker, lead researcher on the study. “Our extensive polling shows that when it comes to office meetings, that person who must recap their weekend trip upstate or tell a dumb-as-shit joke is almost always the one expressing sentiments such as ‘Could this meeting go any longer?” while hinting it should be over by opening and closing their notebook at disturbingly regular intervals.”

The study also estimates that this type of utter bullshit accounts for over 15,000 hours of lost productivity per year. “We found that the Overshare Oscars and the You Won’t Believe Dis Yolandas of the corporate world are most often the ones who never shut up about why meetings should be brief,” Whittaker added. “What we can ultimately learn from this, as the research shows, is that in all likelihood, 93% of all meetings never even needed to occur at all. They’re all mostly useless.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

ohio trump man

Trump Just One More Fuck Up Away From Losing Support Of Ohio Man

This article originally appeared in the Antwerp Oyster.

LEBANON, OHIO — Warehouse Manager Lester Wagner (53) has just about had it up to here with the man he voted for in the 2016 Election. A loyal Trump supporter since the day he declared his candidacy for the highest office, Wagner now believes if he sees the President do “one more dumb as shit thing”, he may just be forced to no longer support the man. “Fuck yeah I voted for him. He and I, well, we both remember when America was great and understand where it went wrong,” Wagner said as he loaded supplies into shipping crate destined for Cincinnati. “But he’s been all over the place, man. I’m not there quite yet, but I’m just about fed up. I swear to Jesus himself, if Trump does one more thing to harm the reputation of this country or what not, I may just be forced to say that I can no longer support him.”

Wagner said he’s aware that over the past two years the president has openly mocked LGBT people, people with disabilities, women, black people, immigrants from nearly everywhere, Jews, Muslims, Mexico, North Korea, John McCain, television political pundits, the media overall, late night sketch comedy shows and even his own White House staff, but that the President would have to do something really crazy for him to say enough is enough. “Yeah, I know all that. Fuck, quite frankly, all that shit was pretty cool. What I mean is if he does something really dumb, you know? Like, just stupid as hell. I’ll knows it when I sees it.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @mrmaxrose.

Father/Grandfather fight

Witnessing Father And Grandfather’s Verbal Brawl, Son Vows He Won’t Act That Way When He’s Older

JACKSONVILLE, FL — While watching his dad and grandfather argue for over an hour about “the correct way to load a dishwasher,” 24-year-old Miami resident Mitchell Haverman made a solemn promise that he’ll never allow himself to act that way when he gets to their age.

The confrontation started shortly after dinner last Sunday when Haverman’s grandfather, known affectionately as “Pepaw,” made a pointed comment about how Gerald, Mitchell’s father, inserted dirty plates into the 3-week-old Kenmore Elite 14793. “This machine is one of the leading dishwasher brands on the market!” Pepaw shouted. “You have to put the dishes in horizontally, or the whole thing could break and leak all over the linoleum. Here, let me show you.”

Reports out of the kitchen reveal that Gerald then responded with a subtle quip about how dish direction has virtually no impact on the performance of the product. This is when things got out of hand. “I heard a loud shout, something like ‘What was that you said boy?’ and then all hell broke loose,” Haverman said. “They exchanged heated words for what had to be over an hour. I don’t know how long it lasted exactly. All I know is when they started jawing, it was the 2nd inning of the Yankees game I was watching and they didn’t stop squabbling until the 7th inning stretch.”

Attempting to break up the fight by offering at least a dozen “audible sighs and coughs,” Haverman’s failure to upend the confrontation caused him to make a solemn pledge that he would never act like any of the other men in his family, despite sharing their deeply ingrained genetic code.

“I really think I can break the streak of generations of Haverman men before me,” Mitchell said, exasperated from the verbal brawl. “I’m going to be different, I know it.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.