Tag: comedy

stoned on a couch

Extremely Stoned Guy Worried He’s Making A Scene

PORTLAND, OR — Jameson Blanchard doesn’t know what to do with his hands, or his face, shoulders and legs for that matter. According to sources, Blanchard smoked marijuana roughly twenty minutes ago and at the current moment earnestly believes that he’s acting extremely weird in front a group of friends seated around the living room. The 25-year-old didn’t appear to be particularly affected by the weed at first, but several minutes after taking a bong hit he began asking everyone in the room if he was causing a disturbance.

Though the group repeatedly reassured Blanchard that he was only guilty of sitting extremely still, staring straight ahead and counting down methodically from 100, he continued to insist that he was making a grand old scene. “I’m so sorry,” he told the group. “I don’t mean to act this crazy. I’m trying my best to calm down and just act normal.” His friends glanced at each other, shrugged their shoulders and resumed conversations about what to name their new punk band. “What?! What did I do now?” Blanchard asked. “Wait. Now that would be a cool band name.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

bombing

Stand-up Comedian Downgrades Set To Spoken Word Performance In Midst Of Bombing

New York, NY — With each prepared joke going more poorly than the last, comedian Eddie Coker induced a motion to redefine tonight’s set as spoken word instead of stand-up comedy. Cookson made the decision when his bit about how you always meet people named ‘Christian’ but never anyone named ‘Jewish’ or ‘Muslim’ fell completely flat. “As a comedian, I play a very important role in society and in the public discourse of things,” Coker said. “With that much responsibility, sometimes you have to make the tough call and downgrade your set from comedy to spoken word. It happens to the best of us.”

Ironically, Coker’s line about how his routine went from no longer being comedic to him just talking got the biggest laugh of the night from the basement bar audience, which was comprised of three foreign visitors and a family with two young children. “I did a few old bits, and then tried two new ones, but the crowd wasn’t going for any of it,” Coker said. “As a comic, you recognize how your voice is so important and valued, so you’re thinking ‘just go out on a laugh.’ That’s when I acknowledged that my set had been reduced to a lower art form.” Walking off to a smattering of chuckles made the night all worthwhile, Coker concluded.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

blackened banana

Blackened Banana In Freezer Doubts It’ll Ever Be Used To Make Bread

This article originally appeared in Robot Butt.

Des Moines, IA — Three months after being relegated to the freezer because it wasn’t consumed fast enough, a now rock hard banana is beginning to fear that it may never be used to make banana bread, sources are reporting. The overripe banana, which was placed in the freezer door’s top shelf this summer, believes it has been forgotten and as a result won’t be a part of any sort of recipe any time soon, as it had previously thought.

Sources close to the tropical fruit say it had been holding onto hope, even two months since being assigned to the coldest part of the house. But given the long lapse in time, it no longer harbors much optimism, recently stating that at this point it would even settle for being part of an ice cream split, if that’s what it takes. While the banana’s faith in its ability to become an office break room treat continues to dwindle, it does cling to the remote possibility that one day the door will open and it will be called upon.

The freezer door swings open right before midnight. Nope, not this time either. A line is etched on the freezer door, marking Day 92.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Girlfriends, expensive Brooklyn

Friends Prepared To Discuss How Expensive New York Has Gotten

BROOKLYN, NY — When long-time friends Tash and Viola meet for food and drinks tonight at a Williamsburg gastropub, the pair will undoubtedly catch up on everything they’ve been up to lately as well as thoroughly discuss the rising cost of living in New York City. Since the two last saw each other four months ago, Tash moved in with her girlfriend, got engaged and took particular notice of the climbing prices for riding the subway, bottomless mimosas and naan bread. Meanwhile, Viola got a promotion at work, joined a new gym and expressed dismay over how much more expensive infinity sign tattoos, scented candles and portobello mushrooms have become. At the restaurant, unnervingly awaiting delivery of the bill for what is sure to be a costly meal, both women stated that it’d be nice to one day own a place instead of paying monthly through the nose for less than desirable conditions and an absurdly small living space. “It’d be optimal to one day have a yard, and maybe even a garage,” Tash said, wincing at the check. “Or at least a toilet that isn’t located in the kitchen, and hummus that’s less than $9.” Motioning to also see the bill, Viola questioned the $70 tab. “All we had was one meal and a drink each, right?”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Conyers and Moore

Lawmakers Serious About Punishing Members Of Opposition Party Accused Of Sexual Harassment

This article originally appeared in The Antwerp Oyster.

Washington, D.C. — Politicians in Washington are determined to demonstrate that swift consequences will be issued to any colleague facing allegations of sexual harassment and who’s a member of the other political party. Both Republicans and Democrats want the country to thoroughly understand that this type of behavior will not be accepted from members across the aisle. “When it comes to sexual assault or harassment, we need to believe all women when they come forward with such allegations, as I’ve stated numerous times when discussing those guys over there,” said House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi. “At the same time, we have to make sure we respect due process, you know, for our guys. Because you just don’t know, except when it’s you know who.” On the other side, during a news briefing last week, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders responded to questions about the White House’s position on accused Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore by stating “yeah, but what about Al Franken? Did you see that photo of him? It was disgusting. Let’s just make sure we first hear Mr. Moore out, okay?” A House Democrat, who wished to remain anonymous but did comment on the allegations sweeping the halls of Congress, said he’s sickened by the horrifying actions of his Republican colleagues and can’t believe anyone would accuse a Democrat of such behavior because they’re obviously “pro-women and stuff.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Thanksgiving talking points

Ahead Of Thanksgiving Gathering, Family Members Ready Their Talking Points Should “Standing vs. Kneeling” Debate Arise During Day’s NFL Games

This article originally appeared in The Antwerp Oyster.

BLOOMINGTON, MN — Recent uproar surrounding the American flag and whether or not it’s disrespectful to kneel during the National Anthem has caused each member of the Thompson clan to meticulously prepare their respective viewpoints in case debate breaks out during today’s football games. So far, Neil (23), Regina (27) and Eric (29) have each carefully outlined points on their phone’s Notes app, while Drew (47) and Victoria (42) have jotted their own ideas on a legal pad. Other major pillars of the family plan to just wing it. “I just think it’s un-American to sit or kneel during the Anthem no matter what,” said Joseph (59), patriarch of the family. “The players are highlighting important issues, but the gridiron is no place for that. Just tackle the shit out of each other, and protest on your own time. Go Cowboys!” While Danica (14) doesn’t fully understand the varying viewpoints held by Americans, she has some idea how she might chime in based on ideas her friends have expressed on social media. “Michael in my social studies class is always posting articles from Vox, Mother Jones and the Daily Mail, and he has the highest GPA in our grade,” she said. Sarah (54), wife of Joseph and family matriarch, hopes the household avoids any discussion altogether, but is suitably prepared to cut down anyone whose opinions don’t fully match hers. “I hope we can remain civil and just enjoy each other’s company,” she stated. “At the same time, I’ll never stand for the National Anthem again and fuck anyone who does.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

dick pic regret

Area Man Seeks Any Plausible Excuse For Taking Phone Back From Friends After Remembering All The Dick Pics

CHARLOTTE, NC — Thomas Larkin, 24, is immediately regretting his decision to share recent vacation photos with friends upon realizing he forgot to delete the collection of dick pics also peppered throughout his iPhone 8. Mere seconds after Larkin handed his Apple device to the group, he remembered that among hundreds of photographs of ancient architecture, local cuisine, and regional customs, were at least a dozen high quality visuals of his genitals that he took during his 10-day excursion, all shot from different angles and depths but never actually sent to anyone. “Wait, let me see the phone again,” Larkin told his friends as he mentally sorted through a number of explanations as to why he’d take his phone back after having just handed it over. “Perhaps I’ll tell them it needed an emergency software update,” Larkin thought to himself. “iPhones are always updating randomly, right? Right?” Filtering through a number of additional backup excuses in his head just in case, Larkin’s possible rationales range from highly to preposterously fishy, including a funny idea he needed to tweet right away, forgetting to tip his Uber driver back from the airport, and ensuring his iTunes account was up to date. “I could just admit that I like to look at my own dick,” he posited before thinking no, that wouldn’t go over well.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

online donations

After Donating To Every Friend And Acquaintance Facing Hard Times, Man Crowdfunds To Avoid Bankruptcy

NEWPORT, RHODE ISLAND — A man who’s been called “the nicest guy you’ll meet this fiscal year” is currently in serious financial trouble after donating small amounts of money to  hundreds of people in his social media network dealing with personal tragedies, financial mishaps, mental breakdowns or just general difficult circumstances of some kind or another. Now that man, 27-year-old Zac Gallagher, has been forced to launch his own crowdfunding campaign to avoid homelessness and financial obsoletism. “I’m not a wealthy guy, but I’ve always had the means to support myself,” Gallagher said as he reviewed his crowdfunding profile surrounded by stacks of unpaid bills marked DELINQUENT. “As a result, I’ve always made it a priority to help others when they’re need.” Gallagher stated that he was personally moved after reading one heartbreaking account after another from people he knows, people who know people he knows, or people who at one point or another met someone he knows, all of which compelled him to offer anything he could. Nearly 450 donations later, Gallagher finds himself 8 days away from officially losing everything and hopes he can raise $10,000 to get back on his feet. “I know times are hard for people right now, so I can’t expect everyone to give,” Gallagher said. “I hope people can help, but there’s so much you can ask. Oh look, my cousin’s friend from high school had her backpack stolen. I can give her a few bucks.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

man texting black and white

Local Guy An Utter Wreck After Realizing He Never Responded To Friend’s Text From 10 Days Ago

NEW HAVEN, CT — Brett Mulholland is on pins and needles today after realizing he forgot to respond to his friend Sam Winer’s “What’s up?” text from over a week ago. “I saw the message and wanted to respond right away,” an exasperated Mulholland said, “but I was cooking a roasted red pepper penne at the time and couldn’t divert my attention.”

Receiving the text just as the pasta was boiling over, Mulholland said he put his phone down with the intention of writing back after he finished dining. “Next thing I know, it’s over a week later, I’m scrolling through my messages and see it’s been 10 days and I never responded. I’ve probably lost a long-time friend over this! The penne kicked ass though.”

Mulholland said the dish would’ve been overcooked if he’d texted back at that exact moment, but still expressed panic and angst about how to respond after more than a week without any awkwardness. Not every excuse is equally sufficient, Mulholland pines.

“How do I plan to respond? I really have no idea!” the outwardly perturbed Mulholland said as a single bead of sweat descended from his right temple down the side of his face, his hands becoming ever more clammy. “I can’t just say ‘I’ve been busy’ or something like that. I literally tweeted ‘Netflix and chill’ the past six nights in a row.”

Ruminating furiously over his response options while taking excruciatingly long breaths, Mulholland narrowed it down to “New number, who dis?” “Sry, trbl service, just got ur text,” and “Work’s been cray cray” but isn’t sure Sam will buy any of those excuses.

“I just hope he’s okay,” Winer said when reached for comment. “Whenever he’s free, I’m looking forward to catching up.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

sober karaoke

Sober Man Booted From Karaoke Night For Being A Hazard To Everyone’s Good Times

AUBURN HILLS, MICHIGAN — A bar patron was ejected from a local karaoke night on Wednesday after management deemed the man wasn’t remotely drunk enough to engage in the joyous revelry of singing classic song covers off key. Twenty-nine year-old Jared Kopft, on the second day of his antibiotics, knew he couldn’t drink and offered to be his friend’s designated driver. “Of course, it would have been more fun if I was drinking,” Kopft said, “but I tried to make the best of the situation. All I wanted to do was to crush some Bon Jovi, maybe even some J.T.” Bar Manager Gino Tagatali claimed he didn’t want to kick Kopft out, but was forced to consider how being around someone with absolutely no liquor running through their bloodstream could put a damper on his patrons’ wildly unsuccessful attempts to hit a single note from any song. “Look at this place,” Tagatali said. “You have people who are falling over, they’re acting rude, and have absolutely no pitch. This just isn’t the place for the antics of a sober person. We’re at fucking karaoke for Christ’s sake!”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.