Tag: comedy

Woman afraid of spider

Strong, Independent Woman Desperate for Someone to Come Kill this Spider

WICHITA, KS — Less than a day after taking to Instagram to tout her power as an independent female, self-proclaimed activist-influencer Alison Harmon spent over an hour and 45 minutes pacing her apartment in a deep panic over a house spider lurking on the kitchen counter. “Women are the future, and there is NOTHING we can’t do #ImStillWithHer,” the post read along with an empowering bikini photo. “Most people know me as an extremely strong and independent woman, because I regularly remind them of this fact,” Harmon said while checking her pulse on her smartwatch. “But in that moment, I just couldn’t even deal. Gross.”

After failing to reach both of her roommates multiple times by phone call and text, Harmon spent close to an hour on the phone with a 9-1-1 operator before the authorities — in the form of next-door neighbor Erik — arrived to vanquish the eight-legged creepy crawler. “I got home, and I just heard a bunch of screams,” Erik said. “I thought [Alison] was getting murdered. As it turned out, it was much, much worse. I applaud her strength during this harrowing experience.”

snacks photo

6 Subscription Snack Boxes You’ll Need in 2018

This article was originally posted in Robot Butt.

If you’re hungry AF and lazy AF, you’ve probably purchased a subscription snack box before. But let’s face it. Picking out the perfect service is no easy task, and with such a wide variety of subscription snack box options out there, choosing the right one for you can seem more overwhelming than entering a voting booth. Well, we’ve got you covered.

Here are the trendiest new subscription snack boxes of 2018:

Car Floor Trail Mix

With each box, you’ll be sent an assortment of items found on the floor of a local mom’s minivan. While it may sound odd, don’t sleep on the treasure trove that is left behind by a child’s slippery, greasy fingers. On any given week you’ll get some of the best minivan floor droppings, including loose cashews (unsalted), cracker crumbs, granola bar particles, only the red gummies, leftover chocolate stuck to the wrapper, an 18-month-old stick of gum and a ketchup packet torn open but unused. And the best part is each item will be warmed to perfection as a result of being lodged between the seats of a sun-soaked car.

Cost per box: $9.50

Whatever Grandma Sees

You’ll have more questions than answers when you purchase this assortment of snacks curated by your grandmother based on whatever she happens to come across in magazines, on deli counters or at the table while playing bridge with the gals. The contents of each delivery will depend solely on if Nana thinks you’re skinny or fat that particular week. So your delivery may include a selection of sweet treats, or strictly raw vegetables and legumes. If you love a good mystery and don’t mind a regular sense of bewilderment, this snack box is for you.

Cost per box: $7.95

Half of Susan’s Soup

For four weeks at lunch, you’ll get half of whatever soup Susan brings to the office. That’s right! Everyday she brings a big ol’ thermos full of soup and you get to have exactly half. It’s all she eats, so trust us when we say you’ll never be wondering where your next meal is coming from. As a bonus, Susan brings a fresh baguette on Fridays, and you guessed it, you can have half of that too. Bowl not included in snack box (BYOB).

Cost: $24.99 per month

One Day ‘Til Expiration

This subscription snack service will have you on the the edge of your seat every week as you receive a package of items set to expire the very next day. As a result, you’ll be encouraged (nay, forced) to use all the items within the subsequent 24 hours, lest you have to throw everything away. It’s important to look at the bright side for this one: you’ll feel like you’re on your very own episode of Top Chef every time you open your delivery. You never know what near-spoiled items you’ll get: yogurt, sour cream, bread. Just remember to EAT IT FUCKING NOW.

Cost per box: $20

Miguel’s Oranges

This snack service is great if you’re looking to get an everyday fix. Pay the monthly subscription fee, and each day on your drive to and from work, you’ll get five oranges from Miguel. You literally won’t be able to eat all those oranges, but your doctor will be thrilled. You’ll thank us later while you’re desperately searching for any way in which to use an orange. Hint: Cut them into slices and show up to a youth soccer game, even if you don’t have kids.

Cost: $18 per month

Freezer Burn Desserts

This one is for the all the calorie cutters out there who still want a glimmer of something sweet. We think this snack box will be particularly popular among celebrities looking for a dessert fix without the worry of gaining weight. Each order will include built-up freezer burn ice from all your favorite desserts. That’s right! You’ll be feasting on the tasty ice accumulated from delicious treats like chocolate ice cream, apple pie and cheesecake. As we like to say, get a taste of cake while consuming mostly water!

Cost per box: $8.99

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

thumbs down

Lost Glove Still Wondering If It Will Ever See Match Again

North Hempstead, NY — Thirty-seven days after being accidentally separated from its opposite hand counterpart, an unmatched left glove remains apprehensive about whether it will ever reunite with its partner. Sources are reporting that the pair split when the plastic ring connecting the two unexpectedly cracked, causing just the one garment to fall to the floor of a shopping mall. The separated glove has since taken up residence in the Lost and Found bin near the food court.

“The two of us, we went through everything together,” left glove said, laying vapidly amongst a pile of various other missing items. “We packed snowballs, built snowmen and gripped ice scrapers. But most importantly, we kept hands warm. We were the ultimate duo; we were practically attached at the wrist, if you know what I mean.” While the detached glove has made several new friends in the Lost and Found, including a cashmere scarf, digital watch, and prescription medication bottle reading “Fatal if not taken daily,” it expressed severe anguish at the prospect that it will never again be able to experience solid smacking together of each’s leather exterior.

“I think the important lesson from this is to not take those closest in your life for granted,” left glove said while choking up. “The most difficult part is I never got to say goodbye. I didn’t even get a simple wave.” At the time of publication, the companionless glove was suffering withdrawals without its match but remains hopeful that it’ll once again see its right-hand man.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

truth bomb

Truth Bomb Could Reach Mark’s Twitter Feed Within 12 Hours, Surveillance Photos Show

SPACE — Disturbing new footage taken by NASA this week appears to show a so-called “Truth Bomb” is capable of hitting Mark Fargold’s Twitter page within 12 hours. Experts reached this assessment after the Applebee’s restaurant manager launched several test tweets two days ago using phrases like “tbh” and “real talk.” Experts familiar with the images say it’s uncertain what could set this Truth Bomb in motion but that once launched, we will witness the true impact of “keeping it 100.”

“Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can really do to prepare for or even prevent something like this from happening,” said Marcy Hillman, a former NASA scientist who is familiar with the images. “We just have to hope that nothing of its sort is able to make Twitter landfall, or else the fallout could be disastrous when people find out that Mark isn’t playing around this time.”

Government officials further warned that a targeted hit could have the potential to devastate tens, if not twenties, of lives within social media range of the blast for approximately three seconds before no longer appearing in those people’s feeds anymore. After the test launch of some real fire takes, Fargold reported he has finally realized the true potential of his social media power and posts like these have experts wondering ‘“When will the big one come?”

“That’s what we’re all waiting to find out. When will our minds be blown for a matter of seconds before eventually moving onto the next thing?” Hillman said.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Day after holidays

Day After Christmas Officially Tired Of Playing Second Fiddle To Black Friday

This article originally appeared in Robot Butt.

A press conference held this week to mark the holiday season turned controversial when December 26th told reporters that it has finally had it with always taking a back seat to Black Friday. Citing the abundance of “doorbuster” deals and even the special name for whichever date follows Thanksgiving, the day after Christmas announced that it’s finally taking a stand.

“For thousands of years, I’ve been nothing but consistent in my dealings,” the 26th said. “No matter what, I’m always the same day every year. Then a few decades ago a newfangled day all of a sudden pops up and it gets its own special name? For goodness sake, it literally has people clamoring to buy as much as they can. All anyone wants to do when I come around is just return bad presents they got the morning before. Enough is enough. I’ve been the low date on the totem pole for far too long.”

December 26th added that its displeasure is also rooted in the fact that Black Friday always represents the start of the holiday season, when everyone is happy, as opposed to the day after Christmas when people begin to throw out their trees and get ready for the New Year and responsibilities again.

“I’ve been around for far too long to be the second banana of the days following a much more notable day,” the 26th forcefully proclaimed. “I’m no longer going to be overshadowed, and so I must reclaim my title as the most important day after a holiday of the year.”

At press time, the day after Christmas was seen being dragged out to the curb and quickly forgotten about.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.