Tag: comedy

thumbs down

Lost Glove Still Wondering If It Will Ever See Match Again

North Hempstead, NY — Thirty-seven days after being accidentally separated from its opposite hand counterpart, an unmatched left glove remains apprehensive about whether it will ever reunite with its partner. Sources are reporting that the pair split when the plastic ring connecting the two unexpectedly cracked, causing just the one garment to fall to the floor of a shopping mall. The separated glove has since taken up residence in the Lost and Found bin near the food court.

“The two of us, we went through everything together,” left glove said, laying vapidly amongst a pile of various other missing items. “We packed snowballs, built snowmen and gripped ice scrapers. But most importantly, we kept hands warm. We were the ultimate duo; we were practically attached at the wrist, if you know what I mean.” While the detached glove has made several new friends in the Lost and Found, including a cashmere scarf, digital watch, and prescription medication bottle reading “Fatal if not taken daily,” it expressed severe anguish at the prospect that it will never again be able to experience solid smacking together of each’s leather exterior.

“I think the important lesson from this is to not take those closest in your life for granted,” left glove said while choking up. “The most difficult part is I never got to say goodbye. I didn’t even get a simple wave.” At the time of publication, the companionless glove was suffering withdrawals without its match but remains hopeful that it’ll once again see its right-hand man.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

truth bomb

Truth Bomb Could Reach Mark’s Twitter Feed Within 12 Hours, Surveillance Photos Show

SPACE — Disturbing new footage taken by NASA this week appears to show a so-called “Truth Bomb” is capable of hitting Mark Fargold’s Twitter page within 12 hours. Experts reached this assessment after the Applebee’s restaurant manager launched several test tweets two days ago using phrases like “tbh” and “real talk.” Experts familiar with the images say it’s uncertain what could set this Truth Bomb in motion but that once launched, we will witness the true impact of “keeping it 100.”

“Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can really do to prepare for or even prevent something like this from happening,” said Marcy Hillman, a former NASA scientist who is familiar with the images. “We just have to hope that nothing of its sort is able to make Twitter landfall, or else the fallout could be disastrous when people find out that Mark isn’t playing around this time.”

Government officials further warned that a targeted hit could have the potential to devastate tens, if not twenties, of lives within social media range of the blast for approximately three seconds before no longer appearing in those people’s feeds anymore. After the test launch of some real fire takes, Fargold reported he has finally realized the true potential of his social media power and posts like these have experts wondering ‘“When will the big one come?”

“That’s what we’re all waiting to find out. When will our minds be blown for a matter of seconds before eventually moving onto the next thing?” Hillman said.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Day after holidays

Day After Christmas Officially Tired Of Playing Second Fiddle To Black Friday

This article originally appeared in Robot Butt.

A press conference held this week to mark the holiday season turned controversial when December 26th told reporters that it has finally had it with always taking a back seat to Black Friday. Citing the abundance of “doorbuster” deals and even the special name for whichever date follows Thanksgiving, the day after Christmas announced that it’s finally taking a stand.

“For thousands of years, I’ve been nothing but consistent in my dealings,” the 26th said. “No matter what, I’m always the same day every year. Then a few decades ago a newfangled day all of a sudden pops up and it gets its own special name? For goodness sake, it literally has people clamoring to buy as much as they can. All anyone wants to do when I come around is just return bad presents they got the morning before. Enough is enough. I’ve been the low date on the totem pole for far too long.”

December 26th added that its displeasure is also rooted in the fact that Black Friday always represents the start of the holiday season, when everyone is happy, as opposed to the day after Christmas when people begin to throw out their trees and get ready for the New Year and responsibilities again.

“I’ve been around for far too long to be the second banana of the days following a much more notable day,” the 26th forcefully proclaimed. “I’m no longer going to be overshadowed, and so I must reclaim my title as the most important day after a holiday of the year.”

At press time, the day after Christmas was seen being dragged out to the curb and quickly forgotten about.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

stoned on a couch

Extremely Stoned Guy Worried He’s Making A Scene

PORTLAND, OR — Jameson Blanchard doesn’t know what to do with his hands, or his face, shoulders and legs for that matter. According to sources, Blanchard smoked marijuana roughly twenty minutes ago and at the current moment earnestly believes that he’s acting extremely weird in front a group of friends seated around the living room. The 25-year-old didn’t appear to be particularly affected by the weed at first, but several minutes after taking a bong hit he began asking everyone in the room if he was causing a disturbance.

Though the group repeatedly reassured Blanchard that he was only guilty of sitting extremely still, staring straight ahead and counting down methodically from 100, he continued to insist that he was making a grand old scene. “I’m so sorry,” he told the group. “I don’t mean to act this crazy. I’m trying my best to calm down and just act normal.” His friends glanced at each other, shrugged their shoulders and resumed conversations about what to name their new punk band. “What?! What did I do now?” Blanchard asked. “Wait. Now that would be a cool band name.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

bombing

Stand-up Comedian Downgrades Set To Spoken Word Performance In Midst Of Bombing

New York, NY — With each prepared joke going more poorly than the last, comedian Eddie Coker induced a motion to redefine tonight’s set as spoken word instead of stand-up comedy. Cookson made the decision when his bit about how you always meet people named ‘Christian’ but never anyone named ‘Jewish’ or ‘Muslim’ fell completely flat. “As a comedian, I play a very important role in society and in the public discourse of things,” Coker said. “With that much responsibility, sometimes you have to make the tough call and downgrade your set from comedy to spoken word. It happens to the best of us.”

Ironically, Coker’s line about how his routine went from no longer being comedic to him just talking got the biggest laugh of the night from the basement bar audience, which was comprised of three foreign visitors and a family with two young children. “I did a few old bits, and then tried two new ones, but the crowd wasn’t going for any of it,” Coker said. “As a comic, you recognize how your voice is so important and valued, so you’re thinking ‘just go out on a laugh.’ That’s when I acknowledged that my set had been reduced to a lower art form.” Walking off to a smattering of chuckles made the night all worthwhile, Coker concluded.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

blackened banana

Blackened Banana In Freezer Doubts It’ll Ever Be Used To Make Bread

This article originally appeared in Robot Butt.

Des Moines, IA — Three months after being relegated to the freezer because it wasn’t consumed fast enough, a now rock hard banana is beginning to fear that it may never be used to make banana bread, sources are reporting. The overripe banana, which was placed in the freezer door’s top shelf this summer, believes it has been forgotten and as a result won’t be a part of any sort of recipe any time soon, as it had previously thought.

Sources close to the tropical fruit say it had been holding onto hope, even two months since being assigned to the coldest part of the house. But given the long lapse in time, it no longer harbors much optimism, recently stating that at this point it would even settle for being part of an ice cream split, if that’s what it takes. While the banana’s faith in its ability to become an office break room treat continues to dwindle, it does cling to the remote possibility that one day the door will open and it will be called upon.

The freezer door swings open right before midnight. Nope, not this time either. A line is etched on the freezer door, marking Day 92.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Girlfriends, expensive Brooklyn

Friends Prepared To Discuss How Expensive New York Has Gotten

BROOKLYN, NY — When long-time friends Tash and Viola meet for food and drinks tonight at a Williamsburg gastropub, the pair will undoubtedly catch up on everything they’ve been up to lately as well as thoroughly discuss the rising cost of living in New York City. Since the two last saw each other four months ago, Tash moved in with her girlfriend, got engaged and took particular notice of the climbing prices for riding the subway, bottomless mimosas and naan bread. Meanwhile, Viola got a promotion at work, joined a new gym and expressed dismay over how much more expensive infinity sign tattoos, scented candles and portobello mushrooms have become. At the restaurant, unnervingly awaiting delivery of the bill for what is sure to be a costly meal, both women stated that it’d be nice to one day own a place instead of paying monthly through the nose for less than desirable conditions and an absurdly small living space. “It’d be optimal to one day have a yard, and maybe even a garage,” Tash said, wincing at the check. “Or at least a toilet that isn’t located in the kitchen, and hummus that’s less than $9.” Motioning to also see the bill, Viola questioned the $70 tab. “All we had was one meal and a drink each, right?”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.