A press conference held this week to mark the holiday season turned controversial when December 26th told reporters that it has finally had it with always taking a back seat to Black Friday. Citing the abundance of “doorbuster” deals and even the special name for whichever date follows Thanksgiving, the day after Christmas announced that it’s finally taking a stand.
“For thousands of years, I’ve been nothing but consistent in my dealings,” the 26th said. “No matter what, I’m always the same day every year. Then a few decades ago a newfangled day all of a sudden pops up and it gets its own special name? For goodness sake, it literally has people clamoring to buy as much as they can. All anyone wants to do when I come around is just return bad presents they got the morning before. Enough is enough. I’ve been the low date on the totem pole for far too long.”
December 26th added that its displeasure is also rooted in the fact that Black Friday always represents the start of the holiday season, when everyone is happy, as opposed to the day after Christmas when people begin to throw out their trees and get ready for the New Year and responsibilities again.
“I’ve been around for far too long to be the second banana of the days following a much more notable day,” the 26th forcefully proclaimed. “I’m no longer going to be overshadowed, and so I must reclaim my title as the most important day after a holiday of the year.”
At press time, the day after Christmas was seen being dragged out to the curb and quickly forgotten about.
OAKLAND, CA — Noah Rothstein doesn’t pretend to kid himself when it comes to where he ranks in the eyes of his longtime girlfriend and obvious goy, Amber Fleming. Witnessing Fleming swell with excitement at the mere mention of the word “Christmas,” Rothstein is keenly aware that no amount of love, admiration or even couples social media pics will ever help him measure up to Santa Claus, colorful lights and joyful carols.
As a result, Rothstein has had to come to terms with his No. 2 standing in the relationship. “Nothing about me — or the culture I grew up with — will ever make Amber feel as good as Christmas does,” Rothstein admitted. “So I’ve just learned to embrace it. I don’t try to be better than candy canes, sugarplums or anything roasting on an open fire.”
Early on in the two-year relationship, Rothstein made attempts to integrate some Jewish practices into the couple’s holiday celebrations. However, nothing he did could compete with the allure of Christmas. “I really wanted our holidays together to have more of a Christmukkah feel, but we have latkes and chocolate, and they have pretty much everything else,” he said.
While it took Rothstein some time to fully comprehend Fleming’s strange obsession with the holiday, he now tolerates hours-long gift shopping trips, ugly sweaters and pulling random spruce tree needles out of his feet every morning. “There’s no point in fighting it,” he said. “Now, I just enjoy Christmas the same way Amber does; in a maniacal and frighteningly unhealthy fashion.”