AUBURN HILLS, MICHIGAN — A bar patron was ejected from a local karaoke night on Wednesday after management deemed the man wasn’t remotely drunk enough to engage in the joyous revelry of singing classic song covers off key. Twenty-nine year-old Jared Kopft, on the second day of his antibiotics, knew he couldn’t drink and offered to be his friend’s designated driver. “Of course, it would have been more fun if I was drinking,” Kopft said, “but I tried to make the best of the situation. All I wanted to do was to crush some Bon Jovi, maybe even some J.T.” Bar Manager Gino Tagatali claimed he didn’t want to kick Kopft out, but was forced to consider how being around someone with absolutely no liquor running through their bloodstream could put a damper on his patrons’ wildly unsuccessful attempts to hit a single note from any song. “Look at this place,” Tagatali said. “You have people who are falling over, they’re acting rude, and have absolutely no pitch. This just isn’t the place for the antics of a sober person. We’re at fucking karaoke for Christ’s sake!”
Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.