OAKLAND, CA — Noah Rothstein doesn’t pretend to kid himself when it comes to where he ranks in the eyes of his longtime girlfriend and obvious goy, Amber Fleming. Witnessing Fleming swell with excitement at the mere mention of the word “Christmas,” Rothstein is keenly aware that no amount of love, admiration or even couples social media pics will ever help him measure up to Santa Claus, colorful lights and joyful carols.
As a result, Rothstein has had to come to terms with his No. 2 standing in the relationship. “Nothing about me — or the culture I grew up with — will ever make Amber feel as good as Christmas does,” Rothstein admitted. “So I’ve just learned to embrace it. I don’t try to be better than candy canes, sugarplums or anything roasting on an open fire.”
Early on in the two-year relationship, Rothstein made attempts to integrate some Jewish practices into the couple’s holiday celebrations. However, nothing he did could compete with the allure of Christmas. “I really wanted our holidays together to have more of a Christmukkah feel, but we have latkes and chocolate, and they have pretty much everything else,” he said.
While it took Rothstein some time to fully comprehend Fleming’s strange obsession with the holiday, he now tolerates hours-long gift shopping trips, ugly sweaters and pulling random spruce tree needles out of his feet every morning. “There’s no point in fighting it,” he said. “Now, I just enjoy Christmas the same way Amber does; in a maniacal and frighteningly unhealthy fashion.”
PORTLAND, OR — Jameson Blanchard doesn’t know what to do with his hands, or his face, shoulders and legs for that matter. According to sources, Blanchard smoked marijuana roughly twenty minutes ago and at the current moment earnestly believes that he’s acting extremely weird in front a group of friends seated around the living room. The 25-year-old didn’t appear to be particularly affected by the weed at first, but several minutes after taking a bong hit he began asking everyone in the room if he was causing a disturbance.
Though the group repeatedly reassured Blanchard that he was only guilty of sitting extremely still, staring straight ahead and counting down methodically from 100, he continued to insist that he was making a grand old scene. “I’m so sorry,” he told the group. “I don’t mean to act this crazy. I’m trying my best to calm down and just act normal.” His friends glanced at each other, shrugged their shoulders and resumed conversations about what to name their new punk band. “What?! What did I do now?” Blanchard asked. “Wait. Now that would be a cool band name.”
Durham, N.C. — Currently live streaming an old white man yelling racial obscenities at a young Hispanic woman, 32-year-old dental hygienist Carson Alvey is completely shocked that nobody in this local supermarket is doing anything to stop the heinous act. Situated at the edge of the frozen foods aisle in order to get the clearest view of the altercation without drawing too much attention to himself and potentially ruining the shot, Alvey has been filming the hate-filled tirade in its entirety for the past six minutes or so. Holding the mobile device high in the air to capture the best aerial view, Alvey expressed disgust at the fact that so far not a single person in the store has intervened to aid the poor woman.
“People make me sick,” Alevy said as he pointed to the growing crowd of onlookers while simultaneously repositioning his phone with his left hand because his right hand was getting tired. “This disgusting racist is just screaming at this woman, and nobody is lifting a finger to back her up or stop this madness. I mean, what has this country come to? My view count is in the thousands, by the way.” Continuing to capture footage of the prejudiced rant, Alvey finally worked up the courage to move closer once security guards stepped in to remove the older man from the store. “Hold on, I have to get a better angle of this,” Alvey said. “The better the shot, the more shares, the more followers, and so on.”
New York, NY — With each prepared joke going more poorly than the last, comedian Eddie Coker induced a motion to redefine tonight’s set as spoken word instead of stand-up comedy. Cookson made the decision when his bit about how you always meet people named ‘Christian’ but never anyone named ‘Jewish’ or ‘Muslim’ fell completely flat. “As a comedian, I play a very important role in society and in the public discourse of things,” Coker said. “With that much responsibility, sometimes you have to make the tough call and downgrade your set from comedy to spoken word. It happens to the best of us.”
Ironically, Coker’s line about how his routine went from no longer being comedic to him just talking got the biggest laugh of the night from the basement bar audience, which was comprised of three foreign visitors and a family with two young children. “I did a few old bits, and then tried two new ones, but the crowd wasn’t going for any of it,” Coker said. “As a comic, you recognize how your voice is so important and valued, so you’re thinking ‘just go out on a laugh.’ That’s when I acknowledged that my set had been reduced to a lower art form.” Walking off to a smattering of chuckles made the night all worthwhile, Coker concluded.
Des Moines, IA — Three months after being relegated to the freezer because it wasn’t consumed fast enough, a now rock hard banana is beginning to fear that it may never be used to make banana bread, sources are reporting. The overripe banana, which was placed in the freezer door’s top shelf this summer, believes it has been forgotten and as a result won’t be a part of any sort of recipe any time soon, as it had previously thought.
Sources close to the tropical fruit say it had been holding onto hope, even two months since being assigned to the coldest part of the house. But given the long lapse in time, it no longer harbors much optimism, recently stating that at this point it would even settle for being part of an ice cream split, if that’s what it takes. While the banana’s faith in its ability to become an office break room treat continues to dwindle, it does cling to the remote possibility that one day the door will open and it will be called upon.
The freezer door swings open right before midnight. Nope, not this time either. A line is etched on the freezer door, marking Day 92.
Walk into any church in Europe, or anywhere else for that matter, and what do you notice? Floors? Yes, there are floors. Ceilings? Yes, there are also ceilings. Often very high ceilings. Books? Yes, lots of books. Typically, one of them seems to be more important than all the others. But I’m talking about something else you may notice, that is if you’re paying hard enough attention. Given up yet? Okay, I’ll tell you. It’s that Christianity has a slight obsession with Jesus. You know, the racially ambiguous emaciated guy typically hanging from two mounted wooden beams. If this comes as news to you, take a moment, do a Google search and come back to this article. I’ll be right here…
So now that you are up to speed with what I’m talking about, you know that every one of these so-called “God centers” have at least two dozen statues and paintings of Jesus (very few of him not dead or dying). In some cases there are more, but always two dozen at least. Yet, even with all these homages to the Christian lord and savior, not one of them mention that Jesus was actually a Jew. Was someone going to tell everyone in here? I mean, I can’t be the one to turn over that stone.
Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to. It took everything in my power and all of my strength gained from three weeks of free meditation classes to fight my natural urge to approach praying strangers and whisper softly into their ear “You know, Jesus was a Jew?” while they fumbled a strand of beads in their hands. But I kept my composure and didn’t utter a sound. I’m very proud of my progress and how far I’ve come.
That doesn’t keep me from wondering though. Were my fellow visitors aware of this when they paid the 30 euro entrance fee? Did these people even think about the fact that Jesus probably celebrated Passover while they were snapping selfies in front of stained glass windows? I hope so. As I took a lift to the top of the cathedral for an aerial view of the city, I couldn’t help but wonder if the six other people with whom I shared this small shaft knew what I knew. I couldn’t be the one to tell them though. It’s not my style, not after how hard I’ve been working on myself.
Instead of flapping my gums about how, as a kid, Jesus likely lit the Menorah candles, I just took baller photos of me staring off in the distance coupled with the caption “TFW when you’re in God’s house and not telling everyone Jesus was a Jew.” Allow me to me clarify. I’m not telling anyone in the church about Jesus being Jewish, but you’re out of your mind if you believe I’m not going to broadcast this information to my social media network. I think the 37 people who follow me understand what I mean.
BROOKLYN, NY — When long-time friends Tash and Viola meet for food and drinks tonight at a Williamsburg gastropub, the pair will undoubtedly catch up on everything they’ve been up to lately as well as thoroughly discuss the rising cost of living in New York City. Since the two last saw each other four months ago, Tash moved in with her girlfriend, got engaged and took particular notice of the climbing prices for riding the subway, bottomless mimosas and naan bread. Meanwhile, Viola got a promotion at work, joined a new gym and expressed dismay over how much more expensive infinity sign tattoos, scented candles and portobello mushrooms have become. At the restaurant, unnervingly awaiting delivery of the bill for what is sure to be a costly meal, both women stated that it’d be nice to one day own a place instead of paying monthly through the nose for less than desirable conditions and an absurdly small living space. “It’d be optimal to one day have a yard, and maybe even a garage,” Tash said, wincing at the check. “Or at least a toilet that isn’t located in the kitchen, and hummus that’s less than $9.” Motioning to also see the bill, Viola questioned the $70 tab. “All we had was one meal and a drink each, right?”
Washington, D.C. — Politicians in Washington are determined to demonstrate that swift consequences will be issued to any colleague facing allegations of sexual harassment and who’s a member of the other political party. Both Republicans and Democrats want the country to thoroughly understand that this type of behavior will not be accepted from members across the aisle. “When it comes to sexual assault or harassment, we need to believe all women when they come forward with such allegations, as I’ve stated numerous times when discussing those guys over there,” said House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi. “At the same time, we have to make sure we respect due process, you know, for our guys. Because you just don’t know, except when it’s you know who.” On the other side, during a news briefing last week, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders responded to questions about the White House’s position on accused Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore by stating “yeah, but what about Al Franken? Did you see that photo of him? It was disgusting. Let’s just make sure we first hear Mr. Moore out, okay?” A House Democrat, who wished to remain anonymous but did comment on the allegations sweeping the halls of Congress, said he’s sickened by the horrifying actions of his Republican colleagues and can’t believe anyone would accuse a Democrat of such behavior because they’re obviously “pro-women and stuff.”
BLOOMINGTON, MN — Recent uproar surrounding the American flag and whether or not it’s disrespectful to kneel during the National Anthem has caused each member of the Thompson clan to meticulously prepare their respective viewpoints in case debate breaks out during today’s football games. So far, Neil (23), Regina (27) and Eric (29) have each carefully outlined points on their phone’s Notes app, while Drew (47) and Victoria (42) have jotted their own ideas on a legal pad. Other major pillars of the family plan to just wing it. “I just think it’s un-American to sit or kneel during the Anthem no matter what,” said Joseph (59), patriarch of the family. “The players are highlighting important issues, but the gridiron is no place for that. Just tackle the shit out of each other, and protest on your own time. Go Cowboys!” While Danica (14) doesn’t fully understand the varying viewpoints held by Americans, she has some idea how she might chime in based on ideas her friends have expressed on social media. “Michael in my social studies class is always posting articles from Vox, Mother Jones and the Daily Mail, and he has the highest GPA in our grade,” she said. Sarah (54), wife of Joseph and family matriarch, hopes the household avoids any discussion altogether, but is suitably prepared to cut down anyone whose opinions don’t fully match hers. “I hope we can remain civil and just enjoy each other’s company,” she stated. “At the same time, I’ll never stand for the National Anthem again and fuck anyone who does.”