This article was originally posted in Robot Butt.
If you’re hungry AF and lazy AF, you’ve probably purchased a subscription snack box before. But let’s face it. Picking out the perfect service is no easy task, and with such a wide variety of subscription snack box options out there, choosing the right one for you can seem more overwhelming than entering a voting booth. Well, we’ve got you covered.
Here are the trendiest new subscription snack boxes of 2018:
Car Floor Trail Mix
With each box, you’ll be sent an assortment of items found on the floor of a local mom’s minivan. While it may sound odd, don’t sleep on the treasure trove that is left behind by a child’s slippery, greasy fingers. On any given week you’ll get some of the best minivan floor droppings, including loose cashews (unsalted), cracker crumbs, granola bar particles, only the red gummies, leftover chocolate stuck to the wrapper, an 18-month-old stick of gum and a ketchup packet torn open but unused. And the best part is each item will be warmed to perfection as a result of being lodged between the seats of a sun-soaked car.
Cost per box: $9.50
Whatever Grandma Sees
You’ll have more questions than answers when you purchase this assortment of snacks curated by your grandmother based on whatever she happens to come across in magazines, on deli counters or at the table while playing bridge with the gals. The contents of each delivery will depend solely on if Nana thinks you’re skinny or fat that particular week. So your delivery may include a selection of sweet treats, or strictly raw vegetables and legumes. If you love a good mystery and don’t mind a regular sense of bewilderment, this snack box is for you.
Cost per box: $7.95
Half of Susan’s Soup
For four weeks at lunch, you’ll get half of whatever soup Susan brings to the office. That’s right! Everyday she brings a big ol’ thermos full of soup and you get to have exactly half. It’s all she eats, so trust us when we say you’ll never be wondering where your next meal is coming from. As a bonus, Susan brings a fresh baguette on Fridays, and you guessed it, you can have half of that too. Bowl not included in snack box (BYOB).
Cost: $24.99 per month
One Day ‘Til Expiration
This subscription snack service will have you on the the edge of your seat every week as you receive a package of items set to expire the very next day. As a result, you’ll be encouraged (nay, forced) to use all the items within the subsequent 24 hours, lest you have to throw everything away. It’s important to look at the bright side for this one: you’ll feel like you’re on your very own episode of Top Chef every time you open your delivery. You never know what near-spoiled items you’ll get: yogurt, sour cream, bread. Just remember to EAT IT FUCKING NOW.
Cost per box: $20
This snack service is great if you’re looking to get an everyday fix. Pay the monthly subscription fee, and each day on your drive to and from work, you’ll get five oranges from Miguel. You literally won’t be able to eat all those oranges, but your doctor will be thrilled. You’ll thank us later while you’re desperately searching for any way in which to use an orange. Hint: Cut them into slices and show up to a youth soccer game, even if you don’t have kids.
Cost: $18 per month
Freezer Burn Desserts
This one is for the all the calorie cutters out there who still want a glimmer of something sweet. We think this snack box will be particularly popular among celebrities looking for a dessert fix without the worry of gaining weight. Each order will include built-up freezer burn ice from all your favorite desserts. That’s right! You’ll be feasting on the tasty ice accumulated from delicious treats like chocolate ice cream, apple pie and cheesecake. As we like to say, get a taste of cake while consuming mostly water!
Cost per box: $8.99
Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.