Water that was used to douse the flames that engulfed a family home in Renton, Wash. on Friday has now issued a formal public apology after the house fire called the water’s actions a “dangerous microaggression” that could have a “lasting impact on my community.”
“While I understand that the water had good intentions, the result of last week’s events hindered me from being my truest flaming, sweltering self,” the fire said in a statement earlier today as it held back tears. “Myself and my fellow fires only pop up occasionally, and when an outside force attempts to put us out, it basically rips our livelihood and identity away from us.”
The fire further declared this phenomenon as an issue that has gone unaddressed for too long and demonstrates what is “deeply troubling about the history of the country.” Responding to the new wave of uproar, the water’s apology comes after 48 hours of backlash in the news and on social media. Offline, nearly 1,500 protestors marched in the streets of nearby Seattle on Saturday chanting “Justice for the fire” and holding signs saying “Put out a fire! You get fired!”
“It has occurred to me that what I did to that fire was morally reprehensible and does not align with the values that I hold dear and consider to be an important part of my character,” the water stated in a video published to its YouTube page today. “At the time, I was not aware that by doing my job I could actually risk losing my job. I’ll need to think more carefully the next time I take such actions.”
In an interview with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, the water also said these past several days have resulted in some serious soul searching and a re-evaluation of career choice.
“I’m now thinking of pursuing a career as a pool, or maybe a lake,” the water stated on Blitzer’s program. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Olympics and boats, neither of which I witnessed in my previous life of deeply offending fires.”
Max Rosenblum is a comedian and satire writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @mrmaxrose.