PHOENIX, AZ — A 29-year-old corporate account manager is receiving high praise from friends and colleagues after he recently went No. 2 and didn’t bring his phone to the bathroom.
“It all happened so fast,” said Neil Farmar, the courageous man who pooped without the itch to check Instagram or send a tweet. “Honestly, I hardly even remember the incident. It’s just a blur, but I’m glad I was able to act on time.”
While the details are fuzzy, Farmar recalls that he was sitting at this desk at 10:11 a.m. on Wednesday morning when the need to shit suddenly hit him. With his phone charging at 13%, he acted on instinct and immediately darted for the bathroom. According to Farmar, 37 minutes later when he emerged from the restroom, his co-workers were there to congratulate him on his feat.
“It was a real emergency,” Farmar contemplated. “In reality, I was worried I wouldn’t make it in time and that I’d be remembered at the office for something far worse. I’m really living this moment up right now. I feel truly #blessed.”
Farmar said that he hopes younger generations can learn something from his example and that he is currently scheduling a lecture series for those who want to learn more about how to crap without checking email, catching up on sports scores, or ordering a delivery pizza.
Max Rosenblum is a comedian and satire writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @mrmaxrose.