Author: Maxx

blackened banana

Blackened Banana In Freezer Doubts It’ll Ever Be Used To Make Bread

This article originally appeared in Robot Butt.

Des Moines, IA — Three months after being relegated to the freezer because it wasn’t consumed fast enough, a now rock hard banana is beginning to fear that it may never be used to make banana bread, sources are reporting. The overripe banana, which was placed in the freezer door’s top shelf this summer, believes it has been forgotten and as a result won’t be a part of any sort of recipe any time soon, as it had previously thought.

Sources close to the tropical fruit say it had been holding onto hope, even two months since being assigned to the coldest part of the house. But given the long lapse in time, it no longer harbors much optimism, recently stating that at this point it would even settle for being part of an ice cream split, if that’s what it takes. While the banana’s faith in its ability to become an office break room treat continues to dwindle, it does cling to the remote possibility that one day the door will open and it will be called upon.

The freezer door swings open right before midnight. Nope, not this time either. A line is etched on the freezer door, marking Day 92.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

all the jesuses

I Visited Seven Churches In Europe And Didn’t Once Point Out To Everyone That Jesus Was A Jew

Walk into any church in Europe, or anywhere else for that matter, and what do you notice? Floors? Yes, there are floors. Ceilings? Yes, there are also ceilings. Often very high ceilings. Books? Yes, lots of books. Typically, one of them seems to be more important than all the others. But I’m talking about something else you may notice, that is if you’re paying hard enough attention. Given up yet? Okay, I’ll tell you. It’s that Christianity has a slight obsession with Jesus. You know, the racially ambiguous emaciated guy typically hanging from two mounted wooden beams. If this comes as news to you, take a moment, do a Google search and come back to this article. I’ll be right here…

So now that you are up to speed with what I’m talking about, you know that every one of these so-called “God centers” have at least two dozen statues and paintings of Jesus (very few of him not dead or dying). In some cases there are more, but always two dozen at least. Yet, even with all these homages to the Christian lord and savior, not one of them mention that Jesus was actually a Jew. Was someone going to tell everyone in here? I mean, I can’t be the one to turn over that stone.

Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to. It took everything in my power and all of my strength gained from three weeks of free meditation classes to fight my natural urge to approach praying strangers and whisper softly into their ear “You know, Jesus was a Jew?” while they fumbled a strand of beads in their hands. But I kept my composure and didn’t utter a sound. I’m very proud of my progress and how far I’ve come.

That doesn’t keep me from wondering though. Were my fellow visitors aware of this when they paid the 30 euro entrance fee? Did these people even think about the fact that Jesus probably celebrated Passover while they were snapping selfies in front of stained glass windows? I hope so. As I took a lift to the top of the cathedral for an aerial view of the city, I couldn’t help but wonder if the six other people with whom I shared this small shaft knew what I knew. I couldn’t be the one to tell them though. It’s not my style, not after how hard I’ve been working on myself.

Instead of flapping my gums about how, as a kid, Jesus likely lit the Menorah candles, I just took baller photos of me staring off in the distance coupled with the caption “TFW when you’re in God’s house and not telling everyone Jesus was a Jew.” Allow me to me clarify. I’m not telling anyone in the church about Jesus being Jewish, but you’re out of your mind if you believe I’m not going to broadcast this information to my social media network. I think the 37 people who follow me understand what I mean.

Girlfriends, expensive Brooklyn

Friends Prepared To Discuss How Expensive New York Has Gotten

BROOKLYN, NY — When long-time friends Tash and Viola meet for food and drinks tonight at a Williamsburg gastropub, the pair will undoubtedly catch up on everything they’ve been up to lately as well as thoroughly discuss the rising cost of living in New York City. Since the two last saw each other four months ago, Tash moved in with her girlfriend, got engaged and took particular notice of the climbing prices for riding the subway, bottomless mimosas and naan bread. Meanwhile, Viola got a promotion at work, joined a new gym and expressed dismay over how much more expensive infinity sign tattoos, scented candles and portobello mushrooms have become. At the restaurant, unnervingly awaiting delivery of the bill for what is sure to be a costly meal, both women stated that it’d be nice to one day own a place instead of paying monthly through the nose for less than desirable conditions and an absurdly small living space. “It’d be optimal to one day have a yard, and maybe even a garage,” Tash said, wincing at the check. “Or at least a toilet that isn’t located in the kitchen, and hummus that’s less than $9.” Motioning to also see the bill, Viola questioned the $70 tab. “All we had was one meal and a drink each, right?”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Conyers and Moore

Lawmakers Serious About Punishing Members Of Opposition Party Accused Of Sexual Harassment

This article originally appeared in The Antwerp Oyster.

Washington, D.C. — Politicians in Washington are determined to demonstrate that swift consequences will be issued to any colleague facing allegations of sexual harassment and who’s a member of the other political party. Both Republicans and Democrats want the country to thoroughly understand that this type of behavior will not be accepted from members across the aisle. “When it comes to sexual assault or harassment, we need to believe all women when they come forward with such allegations, as I’ve stated numerous times when discussing those guys over there,” said House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi. “At the same time, we have to make sure we respect due process, you know, for our guys. Because you just don’t know, except when it’s you know who.” On the other side, during a news briefing last week, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders responded to questions about the White House’s position on accused Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore by stating “yeah, but what about Al Franken? Did you see that photo of him? It was disgusting. Let’s just make sure we first hear Mr. Moore out, okay?” A House Democrat, who wished to remain anonymous but did comment on the allegations sweeping the halls of Congress, said he’s sickened by the horrifying actions of his Republican colleagues and can’t believe anyone would accuse a Democrat of such behavior because they’re obviously “pro-women and stuff.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Thanksgiving talking points

Ahead Of Thanksgiving Gathering, Family Members Ready Their Talking Points Should “Standing vs. Kneeling” Debate Arise During Day’s NFL Games

This article originally appeared in The Antwerp Oyster.

BLOOMINGTON, MN — Recent uproar surrounding the American flag and whether or not it’s disrespectful to kneel during the National Anthem has caused each member of the Thompson clan to meticulously prepare their respective viewpoints in case debate breaks out during today’s football games. So far, Neil (23), Regina (27) and Eric (29) have each carefully outlined points on their phone’s Notes app, while Drew (47) and Victoria (42) have jotted their own ideas on a legal pad. Other major pillars of the family plan to just wing it. “I just think it’s un-American to sit or kneel during the Anthem no matter what,” said Joseph (59), patriarch of the family. “The players are highlighting important issues, but the gridiron is no place for that. Just tackle the shit out of each other, and protest on your own time. Go Cowboys!” While Danica (14) doesn’t fully understand the varying viewpoints held by Americans, she has some idea how she might chime in based on ideas her friends have expressed on social media. “Michael in my social studies class is always posting articles from Vox, Mother Jones and the Daily Mail, and he has the highest GPA in our grade,” she said. Sarah (54), wife of Joseph and family matriarch, hopes the household avoids any discussion altogether, but is suitably prepared to cut down anyone whose opinions don’t fully match hers. “I hope we can remain civil and just enjoy each other’s company,” she stated. “At the same time, I’ll never stand for the National Anthem again and fuck anyone who does.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

dick pic regret

Area Man Seeks Any Plausible Excuse For Taking Phone Back From Friends After Remembering All The Dick Pics

CHARLOTTE, NC — Thomas Larkin, 24, is immediately regretting his decision to share recent vacation photos with friends upon realizing he forgot to delete the collection of dick pics also peppered throughout his iPhone 8. Mere seconds after Larkin handed his Apple device to the group, he remembered that among hundreds of photographs of ancient architecture, local cuisine, and regional customs, were at least a dozen high quality visuals of his genitals that he took during his 10-day excursion, all shot from different angles and depths but never actually sent to anyone. “Wait, let me see the phone again,” Larkin told his friends as he mentally sorted through a number of explanations as to why he’d take his phone back after having just handed it over. “Perhaps I’ll tell them it needed an emergency software update,” Larkin thought to himself. “iPhones are always updating randomly, right? Right?” Filtering through a number of additional backup excuses in his head just in case, Larkin’s possible rationales range from highly to preposterously fishy, including a funny idea he needed to tweet right away, forgetting to tip his Uber driver back from the airport, and ensuring his iTunes account was up to date. “I could just admit that I like to look at my own dick,” he posited before thinking no, that wouldn’t go over well.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

online donations

After Donating To Every Friend And Acquaintance Facing Hard Times, Man Crowdfunds To Avoid Bankruptcy

NEWPORT, RHODE ISLAND — A man who’s been called “the nicest guy you’ll meet this fiscal year” is currently in serious financial trouble after donating small amounts of money to  hundreds of people in his social media network dealing with personal tragedies, financial mishaps, mental breakdowns or just general difficult circumstances of some kind or another. Now that man, 27-year-old Zac Gallagher, has been forced to launch his own crowdfunding campaign to avoid homelessness and financial obsoletism. “I’m not a wealthy guy, but I’ve always had the means to support myself,” Gallagher said as he reviewed his crowdfunding profile surrounded by stacks of unpaid bills marked DELINQUENT. “As a result, I’ve always made it a priority to help others when they’re need.” Gallagher stated that he was personally moved after reading one heartbreaking account after another from people he knows, people who know people he knows, or people who at one point or another met someone he knows, all of which compelled him to offer anything he could. Nearly 450 donations later, Gallagher finds himself 8 days away from officially losing everything and hopes he can raise $10,000 to get back on his feet. “I know times are hard for people right now, so I can’t expect everyone to give,” Gallagher said. “I hope people can help, but there’s so much you can ask. Oh look, my cousin’s friend from high school had her backpack stolen. I can give her a few bucks.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

man texting black and white

Local Guy An Utter Wreck After Realizing He Never Responded To Friend’s Text From 10 Days Ago

NEW HAVEN, CT — Brett Mulholland is on pins and needles today after realizing he forgot to respond to his friend Sam Winer’s “What’s up?” text from over a week ago. “I saw the message and wanted to respond right away,” an exasperated Mulholland said, “but I was cooking a roasted red pepper penne at the time and couldn’t divert my attention.”

Receiving the text just as the pasta was boiling over, Mulholland said he put his phone down with the intention of writing back after he finished dining. “Next thing I know, it’s over a week later, I’m scrolling through my messages and see it’s been 10 days and I never responded. I’ve probably lost a long-time friend over this! The penne kicked ass though.”

Mulholland said the dish would’ve been overcooked if he’d texted back at that exact moment, but still expressed panic and angst about how to respond after more than a week without any awkwardness. Not every excuse is equally sufficient, Mulholland pines.

“How do I plan to respond? I really have no idea!” the outwardly perturbed Mulholland said as a single bead of sweat descended from his right temple down the side of his face, his hands becoming ever more clammy. “I can’t just say ‘I’ve been busy’ or something like that. I literally tweeted ‘Netflix and chill’ the past six nights in a row.”

Ruminating furiously over his response options while taking excruciatingly long breaths, Mulholland narrowed it down to “New number, who dis?” “Sry, trbl service, just got ur text,” and “Work’s been cray cray” but isn’t sure Sam will buy any of those excuses.

“I just hope he’s okay,” Winer said when reached for comment. “Whenever he’s free, I’m looking forward to catching up.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

coworker lunch

Coworkers Fed Up With Susan Always Asking What Everyone Brought For Lunch

PITTSBURGH, PA — Ever since Susan Holmes began working at The Brighton Group last May, she’s made a daily habit of over enthusiastically asking every one of her colleagues what they brought for lunch. More than a year later, Holmes’ coworkers have had enough of her bothersome and exaggerated routine. “Every goddamn day, it’s the same question from Suz!” said Michael Fastbender, who shares a cubicle wall with Holmes. “‘Ooooo, what did you bring today?!’ or ‘Did YOU make that all by yourself?’ What the shit?! It’s a Swanson’s frozen meal. Read the damn package, lady!” According to sources inside the company, Holmes becomes even more obnoxious when lunch is brought back from an outside establishment. “I’ve adjusted my entire midday schedule just so I don’t run into her when I return with my food,” said Marnie Dietrich, who doesn’t work directly with Holmes but still feels the bloody wrath of her incessant pestering. “Every once in awhile though she’ll spot me and then there goes my fucking lunch break! ‘Oooo, that looks interesting! What did you get?’ she’ll ask. It’s so irritating! The bag I’m carrying has the word Chipotle. I saw her eating there last week.” Despite being utterly baffled and disturbed by Holmes’ unrelenting fascination with what everyone is eating for lunch, her colleagues don’t have the heart to tell her about her obnoxious questioning. “We don’t want it to get awkward around here,” Fastbender said. “We’ll just continue to harbor these bitter feelings toward Susan until one day it boils over. I wonder who’s going to be the first to snap.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

plane flying

Man Has The Balls To Wait Until Mid Flight To Suffer Life-Threatening Incident

TULSA, OKLAHOMA — A commercial aircraft was forced to make an emergency landing at Tulsa International Airport after an older male passenger fell dangerously ill mere minutes after departing from Dallas en route to Detroit. Reports aboard the United 737, currently at its arrival gate waiting for clearance to take off again, are that all 132 remaining passengers are completely ticked off that their travel plans went awry because some dude decided today was the day to have a heart attack on a flight midair. “Really, now you have a heart attack, you son of a bitch?!” said Graham Lunther in 22B. “He couldn’t possibly have waited until we landed, or kicked the bucket in the terminal before takeoff? I’m going to miss my connection to Montreal because of that dickhead.” Other passengers mixed their frustration with slight empathy for the poor, potentially dying human man previously in their company. “Yeah, it’s super sad and all, but I need to be in Detroit by noon,” said Katrina Roberson in 13C. “I have a scheduled tour at the Henry Ford Museum and if I miss learning about the history of America’s first major automobile manufacturer because of that asshat, I’ll literally go berzerk. I’m not taking a trip to the Motor City for fucking nothing.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.