Author: Maxx

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Lost Glove Still Wondering If It Will Ever See Match Again

North Hempstead, NY — Thirty-seven days after being accidentally separated from its opposite hand counterpart, an unmatched left glove remains apprehensive about whether it will ever reunite with its partner. Sources are reporting that the pair split when the plastic ring connecting the two unexpectedly cracked, causing just the one garment to fall to the floor of a shopping mall. The separated glove has since taken up residence in the Lost and Found bin near the food court.

“The two of us, we went through everything together,” left glove said, laying vapidly amongst a pile of various other missing items. “We packed snowballs, built snowmen and gripped ice scrapers. But most importantly, we kept hands warm. We were the ultimate duo; we were practically attached at the wrist, if you know what I mean.” While the detached glove has made several new friends in the Lost and Found, including a cashmere scarf, digital watch, and prescription medication bottle reading “Fatal if not taken daily,” it expressed severe anguish at the prospect that it will never again be able to experience solid smacking together of each’s leather exterior.

“I think the important lesson from this is to not take those closest in your life for granted,” left glove said while choking up. “The most difficult part is I never got to say goodbye. I didn’t even get a simple wave.” At the time of publication, the companionless glove was suffering withdrawals without its match but remains hopeful that it’ll once again see its right-hand man.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

truth bomb

Truth Bomb Could Reach Mark’s Twitter Feed Within 12 Hours, Surveillance Photos Show

SPACE — Disturbing new footage taken by NASA this week appears to show a so-called “Truth Bomb” is capable of hitting Mark Fargold’s Twitter page within 12 hours. Experts reached this assessment after the Applebee’s restaurant manager launched several test tweets two days ago using phrases like “tbh” and “real talk.” Experts familiar with the images say it’s uncertain what could set this Truth Bomb in motion but that once launched, we will witness the true impact of “keeping it 100.”

“Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can really do to prepare for or even prevent something like this from happening,” said Marcy Hillman, a former NASA scientist who is familiar with the images. “We just have to hope that nothing of its sort is able to make Twitter landfall, or else the fallout could be disastrous when people find out that Mark isn’t playing around this time.”

Government officials further warned that a targeted hit could have the potential to devastate tens, if not twenties, of lives within social media range of the blast for approximately three seconds before no longer appearing in those people’s feeds anymore. After the test launch of some real fire takes, Fargold reported he has finally realized the true potential of his social media power and posts like these have experts wondering ‘“When will the big one come?”

“That’s what we’re all waiting to find out. When will our minds be blown for a matter of seconds before eventually moving onto the next thing?” Hillman said.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Day after holidays

Day After Christmas Officially Tired Of Playing Second Fiddle To Black Friday

This article originally appeared in Robot Butt.

A press conference held this week to mark the holiday season turned controversial when December 26th told reporters that it has finally had it with always taking a back seat to Black Friday. Citing the abundance of “doorbuster” deals and even the special name for whichever date follows Thanksgiving, the day after Christmas announced that it’s finally taking a stand.

“For thousands of years, I’ve been nothing but consistent in my dealings,” the 26th said. “No matter what, I’m always the same day every year. Then a few decades ago a newfangled day all of a sudden pops up and it gets its own special name? For goodness sake, it literally has people clamoring to buy as much as they can. All anyone wants to do when I come around is just return bad presents they got the morning before. Enough is enough. I’ve been the low date on the totem pole for far too long.”

December 26th added that its displeasure is also rooted in the fact that Black Friday always represents the start of the holiday season, when everyone is happy, as opposed to the day after Christmas when people begin to throw out their trees and get ready for the New Year and responsibilities again.

“I’ve been around for far too long to be the second banana of the days following a much more notable day,” the 26th forcefully proclaimed. “I’m no longer going to be overshadowed, and so I must reclaim my title as the most important day after a holiday of the year.”

At press time, the day after Christmas was seen being dragged out to the curb and quickly forgotten about.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

Jew and santa

Nothing Jewish Boyfriend Could Ever Do Will Make Gentile Girlfriend Happier Than Christmas

OAKLAND, CA — Noah Rothstein doesn’t pretend to kid himself when it comes to where he ranks in the eyes of his longtime girlfriend and obvious goy, Amber Fleming. Witnessing Fleming swell with excitement at the mere mention of the word “Christmas,” Rothstein is keenly aware that no amount of love, admiration or even couples social media pics will ever help him measure up to Santa Claus, colorful lights and joyful carols.

As a result, Rothstein has had to come to terms with his No. 2 standing in the relationship. “Nothing about me — or the culture I grew up with — will ever make Amber feel as good as Christmas does,” Rothstein admitted. “So I’ve just learned to embrace it. I don’t try to be better than candy canes, sugarplums or anything roasting on an open fire.”

Early on in the two-year relationship, Rothstein made attempts to integrate some Jewish practices into the couple’s holiday celebrations. However, nothing he did could compete with the allure of Christmas. “I really wanted our holidays together to have more of a Christmukkah feel, but we have latkes and chocolate, and they have pretty much everything else,” he said.

While it took Rothstein some time to fully comprehend Fleming’s strange obsession with the holiday, he now tolerates hours-long gift shopping trips, ugly sweaters and pulling random spruce tree needles out of his feet every morning. “There’s no point in fighting it,” he said. “Now, I just enjoy Christmas the same way Amber does; in a maniacal and frighteningly unhealthy fashion.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

stoned on a couch

Extremely Stoned Guy Worried He’s Making A Scene

PORTLAND, OR — Jameson Blanchard doesn’t know what to do with his hands, or his face, shoulders and legs for that matter. According to sources, Blanchard smoked marijuana roughly twenty minutes ago and at the current moment earnestly believes that he’s acting extremely weird in front a group of friends seated around the living room. The 25-year-old didn’t appear to be particularly affected by the weed at first, but several minutes after taking a bong hit he began asking everyone in the room if he was causing a disturbance.

Though the group repeatedly reassured Blanchard that he was only guilty of sitting extremely still, staring straight ahead and counting down methodically from 100, he continued to insist that he was making a grand old scene. “I’m so sorry,” he told the group. “I don’t mean to act this crazy. I’m trying my best to calm down and just act normal.” His friends glanced at each other, shrugged their shoulders and resumed conversations about what to name their new punk band. “What?! What did I do now?” Blanchard asked. “Wait. Now that would be a cool band name.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

man yelling

Man Videoing Racist Tirade With Phone Can’t Believe Nobody’s Helping Victim

Durham, N.C. —  Currently live streaming an old white man yelling racial obscenities at a young Hispanic woman, 32-year-old dental hygienist Carson Alvey is completely shocked that nobody in this local supermarket is doing anything to stop the heinous act. Situated at the edge of the frozen foods aisle in order to get the clearest view of the altercation without drawing too much attention to himself and potentially ruining the shot, Alvey has been filming the hate-filled tirade in its entirety for the past six minutes or so. Holding the mobile device high in the air to capture the best aerial view, Alvey expressed disgust at the fact that so far not a single person in the store has intervened to aid the poor woman.

“People make me sick,” Alevy said as he pointed to the growing crowd of onlookers while simultaneously repositioning his phone with his left hand because his right hand was getting tired. “This disgusting racist is just screaming at this woman, and nobody is lifting a finger to back her up or stop this madness. I mean, what has this country come to? My view count is in the thousands, by the way.” Continuing to capture footage of the prejudiced rant, Alvey finally worked up the courage to move closer once security guards stepped in to remove the older man from the store. “Hold on, I have to get a better angle of this,” Alvey said. “The better the shot, the more shares, the more followers, and so on.”

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.

bombing

Stand-up Comedian Downgrades Set To Spoken Word Performance In Midst Of Bombing

New York, NY — With each prepared joke going more poorly than the last, comedian Eddie Coker induced a motion to redefine tonight’s set as spoken word instead of stand-up comedy. Cookson made the decision when his bit about how you always meet people named ‘Christian’ but never anyone named ‘Jewish’ or ‘Muslim’ fell completely flat. “As a comedian, I play a very important role in society and in the public discourse of things,” Coker said. “With that much responsibility, sometimes you have to make the tough call and downgrade your set from comedy to spoken word. It happens to the best of us.”

Ironically, Coker’s line about how his routine went from no longer being comedic to him just talking got the biggest laugh of the night from the basement bar audience, which was comprised of three foreign visitors and a family with two young children. “I did a few old bits, and then tried two new ones, but the crowd wasn’t going for any of it,” Coker said. “As a comic, you recognize how your voice is so important and valued, so you’re thinking ‘just go out on a laugh.’ That’s when I acknowledged that my set had been reduced to a lower art form.” Walking off to a smattering of chuckles made the night all worthwhile, Coker concluded.

Max Rosenblum is a comedian and writer based out of Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @mrmaxrose.